1 Day Later

Ok well I'd be lying if I don't say last night SUCKED!!!!  As much as you tell yourself not to get excited during this process, don't become attached, don't expect ANYTHING....you get to a point where every bone in your body and beat of your heart says "I know I should think/feel/be this way, but I KNOW this is IT!!"  And yesterday, I felt like it was IT!  So when it wasn't IT....there was my ever present friend "Guilt".  Guilt and I go a long way back.  Guilt says "They didn't pick you because of this....because of that."  Guilt said "YOU got your husband excited and now he's sad."  (That one hurts the worst.)  I've gotten really good at listening to Guilt in the last ... 10 years...but I've also, thank God, gotten really good at telling Guilt where to go.....and it's nothing I want to say when I know my mom's reading this...and my gramma and my church friends....and any one else who thinks I probably have never used such language in my life LOL.  So you get my drift.  THAT unspeakable place is where I have told my dear friend Guilt to go.  And she has gone....for now of course...until the next time LOL.  I figure she's a "she" cause girls are so crafty and just plain bitchy sometimes LOL.  (oops, sorry lol.)

So last night, Chris suggested we get out of the house.  Let's not wallow, let's get out and just breath.  So we went to Macayos, had some chips and salsa (cause ANYTHING can be fixed in Macayo's chips and salsa!) and some US time.  And then we went shopping for Christmas lights.  Nothing can make Joy return like Christmas!!  I keep waiting to feel that feeling like "screw this I am DONE!!  I hate this, I hate the struggle, I hate God for letting us struggle when I know He can stop it."  I looked at Chris and said "I almost WISH I could say those things, cause surely if I could just be DONE with it all, the pain will stop.  But I don't feel those things and I don't want it to stop."  We KNOW in our hearts that this is the plan God has set in front of us. Do I wish that for ONCE our plan would match up evenly with His?  YES!  Do I wish for once that my amazing husband didn't have to wipe tears from my face and try to decipher if they were tears of sadness or anger and decide which barrier HE needed to put up?  Even more so!!  But I ALSO know that God made me wait for Chris and just LOOK at the amazing life He's given us, the amazing man He made for ME!!  So should I have LESS faith that He is making that perfect child for US??  (Please don't confuse "perfect child" with "PERFECT child" cause any one who's any one knows that's not what I mean.....though if there IS one out there I'll take him!! Where's the Black Friday line for THAT kid?!  LOL)

This verse has been a constant for me ever since my mom gave it to me when I was 13 (probably gave it to me thousands of time before that, but it stuck at 13)...I remember her giving it to me on a little index card with an "I love you.  Mommy-o" on the bottom...I wish I still had the card, but for the last 4 years, I have typed it up and kept in on my rear view mirror and also on my desk at work....it's become a mantra in my head...and played in my head all day yesterday as we waited for that phone call....and afterwards as we cried...."I know the plans...plans to give you a hope and a future."  God's will.  God's will.  God's will.

This song was ALSO playing when I was waiting in line at Starbucks for a much needed extra boost this morning.  As if I needed a reminder that God sees...He knows....and He loves me...and WILL give me a hope and a future..."from the first tear cried and every single moment between...You were there...You were ALWAYS there."

Britt Nicole - "All This Time"

Love you all and thanks for your continued prayers!!!

***J***

A Home for T

Well....I won't write a lot because I don't know what to write....and I'm not really sure how I feel.  We were not chosen for T today.....my initial comment to Hydee was "ok, cool, when do we keep looking?"  Then I hung up the phone, Chris was asleep with a headache, so I curled up in the corner of the bathroom and just cried.  And cried and cried and cried.  It's hard when you REALLY feel like this is IT, this is the ONE......only to find out it's not.  Is it my fault?  Is it's Chris' fault?  Is it something we said?  Is it something we DIDN'T say?  It's none of it...we've prayed and prayed and prayed that GOD'S will be done, that God bring us the child or children that HE wants us to have.  And I'll be lying if I was ticked off that for ONCE what we want and what HE wants lines up the first go-round....we still know that plan is there.  We'll see it a little more clearly once our swollen eyes go away I think :-).

But pray with us tonight, that T feel SO blessed when he gets the news in the next few days that a family has been chosen for him.  Pray that his family never take one moment with him for granted, that they feel the prayers that are coming towards them and surrounding their family...their NEW family.  We pray protection over them from the enemy that they be spared his attacks as their new family unit forms.  And gosh dangit, that God finish getting my babies ready so they can come HOME already!!!!

Please enjoy, yet another pearl of wisdom and humor from Tracey, who seems to have the best things to say at the BEST times!!!

All our love and thanks for prayers!!!  Keep them coming, you're now on this journey w/ us :-)

***J***

2:30 - 3:30 = PRAY!!!

First, can I just say, 2:30 never seemed more like midnight in my entire LIFE!!  That is a LONG time from now!!!  Hydee said the conf call will happen some time between 2:30 and 3:30 and that she'd call afterwards, regardless if they made a decision or not to let us know how it went.  Her advice:  "just breath....and pray...lots of pray".  Got it!!

In HIS will!!!!

***J***

Pictures

I don't post pictures near enough for blogs it seems, but here a few I put together to send to these "Match Meetings".  Enjoy!!

Day 41...and Some GOOD News!!

Happy Thanksgiving week everyone!!  I haven't written in ages I feel, but I've also felt there's been a lot going on and we really needed to process ourselves before I start spewing stuff we don't even know we feel yet...though I swear that was what I said was the purpose of this blog :-).

OK!  So, for starters....about a week and a half ago, we were approached (through our case worker) from a case worker in Tuscon, about an 11 year old boy who she thought we'd be a great fit for.  We were interested in his initial file, so gave the ok to Hydee to send our home study.  Now keep in mind, this has happened several times, from other states, so the process is SLOOOOOOW.  Hurry and Wait is the name of this game.  So imagine our surprise when, just 3 days later, we got the following email:

Who knew that when we got THAT email we'd still step back and say "wait, what?!"  We have now come to the point of this journey where we have had very different reactions.  I got the biggest amount of butterflies in my stomach I've gotten through this entire process.  Chris had some reservations...not because of the child, but just because it had all happened so fast, and I don't think he had time to process everything.  So more talking, more waiting, more talking, MORE waiting....and a couple days later, we gave Hydee the "OK let's DO IT!"  So now, since Thursday, we've tried to NOT over-think every thing.  I have tried with all my might, to not sit in our "kid room" and plan the wall color and the posters I'm going to put up to welcome this Baltimore Ravens fan into our home...into HIS home.  I've tried not to re-plan Christmas plans to incorporate an amazing 11 year old boy.  I've tried with all my might to not look at everything we're doing and saying "this is the last time we're doing (fill in the blank) with out a kid".  "This is the last time I'm doing (fill in the blank) until I'm a mom."  And most of all..."This is the last Thanksgiving my husband won't go play football in the backyard with the boys without his son."  If I've never wanted anything more in my LIFE!!!

So here's how this "match meeting" process works...I think I already went over this a little bit,  but just for refreshment's sake:

Our case worker, Hydee, and the case worker of the child (we'll lovingly call him "T" until we know the outcome) will have a conference call with the case workers of the other families they've invited...usually 3 or 4 total.  All of the family case workers will advocate for their family and answer questions, sharing pictures and such, asking questions they have or they feel the family might have.  Then the case worker for T and possibly his foster family, or other important adult figure in his life, will ask questions of everyone, they'll all go back and forth, and then, generally, everyone present will "vote" for a family they feel is the best fit.  Now, it's kind of expected that a family's case worker will vote for them, but we've been assured by Hydee that her job is to not only find us a child, but find every child the BEST home.  Though she's maybe only voted against her family once, we know she has both ours and the child's best interests at heart and we fully trust that she'll vote the way God intends.  We feel that God's hand will be at work in that meeting and that the right family will come out of this with a child.   More importantly, T will come out of this meeting one step closer to a forever Mom and Dad and how AMAZING is that?!?!  I won't lie and say I won't cry my eyes out if they don't "pick" us, but I've really come to love him in the last week and though I can picture him as my son, even more than that, is I can picture him a happy child in a GREAT family, whether it's us or somewhere else.  Please pray with us that the right family is chosen for him....and if you feel like it, we'd KINDLY suggest in your prayers that we, of course, are it hehehe.

We won't likely hear anything Monday, but Hydee has said we'll know before Thanksgiving.  CAN YOU IMAGINE?!  The process won't stop there.  If we are chosen, we will then receive MORE information about T.  We will set up a time to go to Tucson to spend a few days with him and really meet him.  At that time, after that trip, we will give the final "yes" or "no".  They say you rarely get to the meeting stage with the child if you're not going to end up with them.  I'm not gonna lie, if we get a "yes" out of this meeting, I'm bringing this kid home!!  LOL.

Big day tomorrow!!!  Please keep us in your prayers, all the case workers, T, and that God's will be done, and that ALL families involved will be comforted if they're not chosen, and feel so abundantly blessed if they are!!

All our love and blessings!!!  Hopefully a big update coming in a couple days!

***J***

Day 22 (Guess I'll stick w/ this)

Only because I promised to be honest am I writing this right now.  We have hit our first hard one to say "no" to.  Ok, granted, none of them have been easy to say no too....but today, the tears are coming with it.  Yesterday, besides the 2 I mentioned in the previous entry, we also were sent a bulletin email, which come through quite often, from case workers who view profiles similar to how we view the kids'.  Now, the good news is, they're looking at ours...A LOT...and we're getting a lot of response, which should make you feel good, right?!  But, and I'm not stereo-typing or saying we fantastic, because we're a "good, Christian family" who put church and sports down as 2 big interests in our lives...we're getting a lot of interest from not necessarily the extreme handicapped children, but from the ones that are just extreme enough that we don't feel it's our calling right now.  Another problem is, in the initial profiles, they don't tell you that, or at least don't tell you MUCH.

So you see the initial of a healthy looking 11 year old, cute kid, loves to play sports, loves being outside with his foster dad, loves spending time in youth group...so of course, we say "SURE, send us more info!"  Then, because why would they just respond in typical form-letter fashion, the case worker CALLS me!!  Again...EXCITING!!!!  Except that now this kid has defects.  "He won't be an Olympic athlete, but he loves playing sports."  Not a problem!!  I had defects when I was born...thank God my parents didn't turn ME down when they adopted me!!  We're not looking for a Harvard scholar or the next Michael Phelps.  We're not even looking for the next Michael Orr!!  We're looking for the missing piece, or A missing piece, to our family puzzle who just enjoys the same things we do even a little bit.  But then we find out more about this little guy, and find after reading his redacted information, that he has had all kinds of surgeries and medications to repair a valve in his lung, or heart...maybe both (I'm overwhelmed), and will need them again as he grows up.

ARGH!!!  I really, honestly feel like Satan is trying to make me feel like a horrible person.  "You know, Jessica, if you don't take him NO ONE will."  "He's going to grow up without of family because YOU won't take him."  "If you were really a GOOD Christian, you'd take any child that needs help."  I REFUSE to listen (Ok, obviously I'm listening because I'm crying...but I refuse to BELIEVE it!).  I'm choosing to believe that he has been brought to our attention so we can pray FOR his family, wherever they are, whoever they are...that God is preparing them with the strength, and the love, and the means, to provide for this precious boy.  I'd love him to be a Brooks...but I'm sure when he's a Smith, or a Johnson, or a...whatever...he will be in the RIGHT home with the RIGHT mom and dad for him.  Please, Lord, remind me I said this when I start to doubt our decisions.  And thank you for my husband, who despite his own hurt heart and emotions, stands strong so I can lean on him.

Thanks for listening....rant over :)  (for now at least....until the next time we say no :-( )  I never have many pictures, but here's one that HAS to make you smile....who wouldn't smile w/ that tail going 90 mph right?!  :)

Love and blessings, friends!
***J***

Day 21

Not only am I running out of interesting things to write about (to the general public, I feel), but I am quickly running out of titles for these stories LOL.  So here goes "Day 21" (since we got licensed...play along :) ).

So since my last blog, I have completely SWAMPED our case worker with a completely "Tremblified" excel spreadsheet.  "Tremblified" because I'm pretty sure I get my organizational prowess from my mother...although I'm not sure that this level of crazy when it comes to Excel came from her.  ANYWAY.  I had all the kids we inquired on separated by agency, the website I found them on, and where we are in the process.  A new tab if they requested a Home Study (HS to simplify).  A new tab after I sent the request for the HS to Hydee.  A new one still once she sent it.  A new one for when it was in review...and of course, a "no" tab (didn't like that one very much).  We have been told by several people to make the process as "unemotional" as possible (which I think I referred more to here), which, so far, we've done well with.  I was very pleasantly surprised when I was happy to mark some kids off the list as they were taken off "active" status because they were pending a placement with family.  As long as they're finding a home, YAY!!!!!   Right??  So far, yes.  It sounds terrible, but so far, none of them have been the kids we've REALLY been interested in.  Ya, it sounds just as terrible as when I thought it.  Grrrrrr.

Anyway.  Hydee, bless her heart, has somehow managed to keep up w/ my level of crazy (I think I'm trying to break her "I had this one mom...." record for requests sent.....heck as long as she says MOM I'll send her 50 a day!!!!), and has sent out just as many home studies as we've inquired on.  I am SO excited to say, however, that she has received several responses!!!  Apparently SOME people out there think we're going to be fantastic parents :)  AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!   So one little guy in New Jersey, he's 8.  His case worker got in touch w/ Hydee and has requested a phone interview with us!!  Another boy, here in Arizona, he's 11, and one that Chris and I have had our eye on for some time, has ALSO requested more information!  Hydee said it was actually funny that I followed up w/ her about him today, because she had literally just gotten an email from his case worker who saw our profile and was interested in us for him!!  Only downside for us is that he's in Arizona, which, financially, will be a bigger investment for us initially (long story), but we believe God will provide for us the funds should HE (or any other Arizona child) be the one for us!!

So if you don't mind praying....
      1.  For the pending phone call from the case worker in NJ
      2.  That we truly do get the child or children that GOD has for us!!
      3.  That we be financially blessed should more funds be needed for an AZ placement

Thank you all (AGAIN) for your faithful prayers and support yet again!!

***J***