Day 22 (Guess I'll stick w/ this)

Only because I promised to be honest am I writing this right now.  We have hit our first hard one to say "no" to.  Ok, granted, none of them have been easy to say no too....but today, the tears are coming with it.  Yesterday, besides the 2 I mentioned in the previous entry, we also were sent a bulletin email, which come through quite often, from case workers who view profiles similar to how we view the kids'.  Now, the good news is, they're looking at ours...A LOT...and we're getting a lot of response, which should make you feel good, right?!  But, and I'm not stereo-typing or saying we fantastic, because we're a "good, Christian family" who put church and sports down as 2 big interests in our lives...we're getting a lot of interest from not necessarily the extreme handicapped children, but from the ones that are just extreme enough that we don't feel it's our calling right now.  Another problem is, in the initial profiles, they don't tell you that, or at least don't tell you MUCH.

So you see the initial of a healthy looking 11 year old, cute kid, loves to play sports, loves being outside with his foster dad, loves spending time in youth group...so of course, we say "SURE, send us more info!"  Then, because why would they just respond in typical form-letter fashion, the case worker CALLS me!!  Again...EXCITING!!!!  Except that now this kid has defects.  "He won't be an Olympic athlete, but he loves playing sports."  Not a problem!!  I had defects when I was born...thank God my parents didn't turn ME down when they adopted me!!  We're not looking for a Harvard scholar or the next Michael Phelps.  We're not even looking for the next Michael Orr!!  We're looking for the missing piece, or A missing piece, to our family puzzle who just enjoys the same things we do even a little bit.  But then we find out more about this little guy, and find after reading his redacted information, that he has had all kinds of surgeries and medications to repair a valve in his lung, or heart...maybe both (I'm overwhelmed), and will need them again as he grows up.

ARGH!!!  I really, honestly feel like Satan is trying to make me feel like a horrible person.  "You know, Jessica, if you don't take him NO ONE will."  "He's going to grow up without of family because YOU won't take him."  "If you were really a GOOD Christian, you'd take any child that needs help."  I REFUSE to listen (Ok, obviously I'm listening because I'm crying...but I refuse to BELIEVE it!).  I'm choosing to believe that he has been brought to our attention so we can pray FOR his family, wherever they are, whoever they are...that God is preparing them with the strength, and the love, and the means, to provide for this precious boy.  I'd love him to be a Brooks...but I'm sure when he's a Smith, or a Johnson, or a...whatever...he will be in the RIGHT home with the RIGHT mom and dad for him.  Please, Lord, remind me I said this when I start to doubt our decisions.  And thank you for my husband, who despite his own hurt heart and emotions, stands strong so I can lean on him.

Thanks for listening....rant over :)  (for now at least....until the next time we say no :-( )  I never have many pictures, but here's one that HAS to make you smile....who wouldn't smile w/ that tail going 90 mph right?!  :)

Love and blessings, friends!
***J***