Ok...well.....good news is they didn't say NO right away like the did w/ T back in November. BAD news is they decided to think about it over night (which we fear will turn into the weekend). Good news is that Hydee thinks that it is strongly between us and one other family and that it will come down to if they want to place the girls with a family who doesn't have kids or who already has kids. I think I'd rather they just say "no" right off, seriously, I slept about an hour...maybe 2.
So like the night we found out about T, we decided Macayo's could fix us again, so we went and talked and then walked around Target...kind of lost in a zone. Scared to be excited, scared to NOT get excited, only to find out they were ours. I seriously feel like every case worker should go through this adoption "wait" so they know what they're doing to us by making us wait....this is ridiculous!!!
So last night, we prayed for peace, for us, for the case workers making the decision...we prayed that K & M would find love wherever they went...we prayed that God would do HIS will, but we MAY or may not have mentioned that we are SO ready for it to be us....and I DREAMED about them! UGH!!! Lord, give me the strength to get through this day until that phone rings.....and the strength to not throw it against the wall when it does LOL. I've never wanted a day to come and NOT wanted a day to come so much in my life!!!
Hello, dearest friends and family!! I'm SO sorry I haven't written in so long!! One would think that that means nothing has been happening...and for once I wish that were the case! We have had MUCH activity the last 2 weeks...so much, that we have been SO overwhelmed and emotionally spent that, though I wanted to write, I had NO idea WHAT to write. For the first time in this journey, Chris and I have been on different sides, and can I say that, although I think that is normal, it's hell. You want to agree and you want this to just be a HAPPY time, but I can tell you from experience now, it's not going to be happy until we have kids in our home and dear GOD this has by FAR been the biggest test of our faith. I'm proud that I don't have to say "the biggest test of our marriage" like, unfortunately, I think a lot of people would if they weren't walking through this with God. I've had many musings about that the past several months, and even more the last couple weeks, but I"ll touch on that later.
So to start, WE'VE BEEN PICKED!! I'm sure, if you've been on this journey with us long enough, or have even just joined us and have gone back to read, you're going through the same "what, WHAT?!" emotions and thoughts we were when we received the following email...out of the blue!!
You may be wondering why we haven't shouted this from the rooftops yet...WE'RE PARENTS!!!!! So let me tell you how this day happened (since I promised to be honest and all lol). So in the morning of January 22nd, we got that email. We inquired on J about a month ago and were asked for our home study, but then we didn't hear anything until this email. The "normal" (I say normal, but I think that needs to be taken out of my vocabulary, because nothing about this process in NORMAL) process is to inquire, have a home study requested, send the home study, receive the redacted file, read the redacted file, say "yes we love them!", send it back, go to a match meeting, get picked, bring them home, live happily ever.....ok nm LOL. But those are the "normal" steps. In THIS instance, they skipped the "receive a redacted file", "read the redacted file", and "say yes we love them" parts. Instead, they just picked us! So we went through the "WTF?!" and "HOLY CRAP I'm gonna be a mom/dad!!!" emotions, which, after the "WTF" we did both say the latter. Then it was the "wait, how did this happen, we know nothing about her?!". So we frantically tried to get a hold of Hydee to see what was going on and get the file, as J's case worker wasn't going to send it until she got the signed confidentiality statement from Hydee (hence the lack of details here, sorry). So I was going to go get nails done w/ Tracey to celebrate OUR impending parenthood and THEIR impending parenthood (long story)...but by the time I pulled into the salon, Chris had read "THE FILE"....and his voice changed from excitement of "I'm going to be a dad!!" to "we need to talk about this." Now, unfortunately, for the sake of telling you WHY we're so confused, I can't tell you WHY we're so confused. This process is extremely confidential and if I DO divulge information, it could jeopardize us getting these kids, so I definitely cannot do that. But just know that I've never gone from such a high to such a low in a shorter amount of time! And can I say, that Chris logged into AdoptUsKids and saw THIS!!
Seriously, ya'll, she's ours!! But WE haven't said yes yet, because we didn't KNOW anything! More on this later.
And, as if that wasn't enough, the NEXT day we find out that one of the boys we've REALLY been interested in (I think I talked about him, his case worker asked for pictures of us to show him, which we kind of thought was odd since, again, we hadn't seen a file), basically picked us ALSO!! She's talked to T about us, told him that we love sports and would support his dreams of playing ball. He was devastated to learn that she would have to tell us about his bad behavior and said to her "Just tell them I'm a good kid, I can be defiant but I'm a good kid." SERIOUSLY?!?! Ugh, just writing it again makes me want to punch something. Because then HIS file isn't great either.
When do you start looking at the circumstances and not the child? When do you stop getting mad at the horrible system in place to protect these children and DON'T for so long, which then leads to 12 and 13 year old kids going through HELL for 10 years that makes them SO "messed up" (for pure lack of a better phrase) that it scares families who would give their limbs for a child?! And how on EARTH are we potentially, literally possible parents of 2 children and we haven't jumped up and down for hours, crying and screaming and decorating rooms?! Why are you all just now hearing about this, you might ask? Because Chris and I are not seeing eye to eye and we're waiting on more files and info and conference calls, praying w/ everything we've got that one of these case workers will say SOMETHING that will flip the other one to our way of thinking on the specific child. I WILL not lie to you guys when I say this has been, after all the hard weeks I've said we've had through this, the HARDEST week and a half of this process. To FINALLY be given what we want in abundance...and not knowing which direction to go. I literally, last night, collapsed on my knees by the side of the bed and just sobbed and prayed and prayed and sobbed. WHY did God give me a heart for these kids if we're not meant to have them? WHY have these precious, precious children had to endure SO much? Is being "picked" the sign from God that this is our child? Or is Chris' hesitation, or my hesitation, the sign from God that that is NOT the child for us? Are my feelings of "that can be our kid, we can DO this!" the sign that we take a leap of faith? Or is Chris' "I don't know, let's think about this" the sign that God is telling him to pump the brakes? Chris' gramma always says she loves that we respect each other, and I have to say, thank GOD we do because I'm tellin ya'll, this could get nasty if we didn't. But in the end, it's US, it's me and him....God gave me the man FOR me, as I've said before, and I'm so grateful that we can talk openly about how we feel through this process. It DOESN'T mean that we don't disagree and get our feelings hurt...it just means that in the end, we're still in this together and THAT'S what matters.
So here's the timeline of what's coming up:
Today: match meeting for sisters local here in state (oh wait, I haven't mentioned that?! LOL.)
Wednesday, Feb 5: conf call w/ J's case worker and others to discuss her file
Some other time: we'll get more info on T eventually
So the story on the sisters here locally? We were approached about them the beginning of January and invited to a match meeting, but hadn't heard anything about them. We finally found they were narrowing down their pile of families to about 4 or 5 before the meeting. Initially, on Monday, we were told we were not picked to be one of the families represented, but that we were the "alternate" for lack of a better word. Then, on Tuesday, Hydee called me and said "I just got off the phone w/ the case worker in (blank) and they've decided they want to include you guys, they want a younger, active family for these girls." She told him she wasn't going to put us through the match meeting if we weren't in serious contention since just the day before they HADN'T chosen us, but apparently we've got a great chance! (Frankly until they tell me I'm getting kids I don't react to "great chances" anymore....just a way to get my heart crushed.) So that happens from about 1-3 or 4 today.
You guys getting the roller coaster yet and why I want to get off? I've never felt more sure of a path God has put me on and more confused as to why I'm on it...and more MAD why He picked this path for me. (And honestly guys, I swear if someone says "God has a plan, it'll all work out" to me one more time....well, you've all been warned LOL.) I know, WE know, that God has the PERFECT kids for us and I'm soooooo excited to meet them!! But I'm getting quite mad at the process making me so callous and so bitter that I could potentially hear in 8 hours that I'm a mom to 2 beautiful girls....and right now, I just don't care. I promised honesty....and there you have it. Right now, I just don't care.
With THAT happy note lol, I know I'm sorry!!! This song, literally, has played in the car every time I'm in it and is now my mantra: Please enjoy and let it touch you where you need touching, just like it has me. What an awesome God I serve that I can feel so incredibly lost and unsure, yet so secure....I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the weirdest feeling I've ever felt....and I'm bipolar ya'll!!! LOL
Can you believe we're halfway through January already?? There are days that I feel we just started our journey and then there are days where I'm in shock it's taken this long! If this was a "normal" process, we'd be about 5 weeks until our due date....you think if I tell some of these case workers that I have 5 weeks left they'd hurry up and send us a kid? LOL. Actually I hadn't thought of the time frame until just now....I think I depressed myself...crap!
I've been meaning to write and update for the last week, especially the last day or two, so I'll apologize ahead of time I'm writing today instead of yesterday because, I'm not kidding when I say, today sucks and yesterday was GREAT! LOL. I wasn't lying when I said it changes day to day. So here goes the updates (I'll keep the pity party to myself for now.)
This past week or 2 has been very eventful, which we kind of figured it would be after the first of the year. (My completely biased feelings only on this next part.) We knew it would taper off around the holidays....half the time we don't get responses so heaven knows we're not getting ANYTHING w/in a week or so of any national holiday!! No kids were added to the sites, no emails were sent to our case worker (and if they were we sure didn't see them), no responses to our emails for follow up......so we decided, you know, fine, we'll enjoy our holidays and not think about it (YA RIGHT!! But I already covered THAT sob story :-) ) So January hits and (not right away because, you know, the first is a holiday too) we start getting flooded w/ kids again. "Brooks family is great, are they interested?" "We're really interested in the Brooks family, can you send me their home study?" "The Brooks' family inquired on "so and so" can you send me pictures?" Hurry hurry hurry and now.....NOTHING. Except more paperwork. How many times do I need to "describe the members of my household?" (We're still 35 and 31, still employed, still have a dog and 2 cats.) How many times do I need to answer "Have any children, through foster or adoption, have been added to your household since your home study was completed?" NONE, damn it, that's why we're here!!!!!!!!!!! "What experience do you have in medical/dental issues?" None, still not a nurse (it's only been a week since you asked me that the last time.). "What experiences do you have with disciplining a child?" Please refer to the answer of the 2nd dumb question you asked me....NONE, I STILL HAVE NO CHILDREN!!!!!
I feel bad for Chris on days like this...I know he's just as frustrated as I am, but since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, the poor man (who seems to think God blessed him w/ an incredibly stable wife LOL) has to decide to duck and cover or just ignore me when days like this happen. Ugh. Love that God gave me this man, I think any other man would have left my crazy, emotional self by this point LOL.
(I did warn you that I'm not in the best frame of mind today, right? LOL. Just checking...and apologizing...again. The irony of all this "happy" stuff is not lost on me lol.)
Ok, so you probably have caught my drift as to my frustration level for today. But now to fill you in on what you REALLY read this for. NO NEWS!!! LOL. We have had a lot of interest though, and I'll give you the run down of a few things in play right now.
"T" (another one, not to be confused w/ the first one) is 12 and his case worker contacted Hydee for pictures of us to show him. Interesting, because other than a request for our home study, we haven't heard any more about him. This is a little out of the normal cycle of things, but Hydee said she hasn't worked with this state before, so we're just rolling with it. He had a baseball bat in his picture, so we told her to really highlight our softball, sporty pictures and maybe he'll "pick" us LOL.
We also received a request for our home study from a case worker who, I think, found us in the state data base. These girls are somewhat local and are 10 & 5....CUTE girls!! "M" & "K". We've been invited to a match meeting for them on the 30th of January. We're a LITTLE hesitant because, again, since it's in state, it will cost us more money for all the meetings and follow ups, plus we haven't heard how many families are going to be in attendance at this meeting. The information we've been given is pretty generic and "happy happy happy", so we're anxious to find out more about these girls, but haven't received (and it doesn't appear that we WILL) any more information at this time. Plus, their case worker wants us to fill out that obnoxious paperwork that, if they bothered to really read our home study, answers all of their questions....and I'm kind of rebelling right now...I don't want to fill out any more paperwork. I'm sure I'll get over myself and fill it out by the end of today...or tomorrow LOL.
So that's all the big leads for right now that I can think of...we'll see where we stand next week. I hate how time has to pass so you don't seem TOO anxious or the case workers consider you obnoxious so they ignore you, but if you wait TOO long then you're not interested. GRRRRRRRRR. Ok, ranting done, sorry for the downer today :) I (hopefully) promise that the next update will be WAY more exciting...if at the very least, more positive :)
Love you all, thanks for all the continued prayers!!
Happy 2014 to all of you!!!! I'm sorry I haven't really written in the last month...I think normal excuses are Christmas craziness and holiday plans, but in reality, because of all that, it was a slow month, adoption-wise. Nothing really to share...more inquiries, more "you're not what we're looking for"s, more silence and unreturned inquiries. So really, it was a normal month I guess in this journey!! :-) I'd be lying if I said that it was an easy holiday season. There was a part of me, about 3 or 4 days before Christmas, that hit that point where I just wanted to throw in the towel. HOW many holiday seasons have we gone through saying "THIS is our last Christmas without kids!!" HOW many well wishes and "Merry Christmas"s have we gotten, along with a loving "next year you'll have little one's of your own to buy presents for!". And before anyone get's offended if you said this to one of us....we KNOW where your hearts are, we KNOW you love us and have been praying for us and going on this journey with us. But, in the spirit of transparency, there comes a point where you just want to stay in your room, with some hot cocoa and a book, buried under your covers, drowning out holiday tidings with tears.
As a Christian, and a family who centers our family on our faith, I'll admit these feelings feel very selfish to me, and the idea that I'm sad because I'm not buying presents for my own children make me feel ungrateful and that I'm really forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. I assure you, I'm not. I sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, I counted myself INSANELY blessed for the blessings I already have in my life, I woke up Christmas morning and thanked my God for sending HIS child to earth so that I could live eternally with mine. The true spirit of Christmas is not lost on me, on us, I promise :-) But let's face it...whether you believe in the Baby in the Manger version of Christmas, or the Santa Clause in the chimney version, or you just believe it's a happy time for family to come together and share memories...regardless of which you claim as yours, the holiday (or holidays in general) are centered around family get-togethers and memories. We LOVE that we are a part of so many special memories that are being made. But for any woman who LONGS to be a mom w/ every fiber of her being (or man to be a daddy) who's scared to say it, I'll say it: There's a part of you that crumples every time you watch a child's face light up and run to their mom and dad and say "Thanks mommy!!" for whatever cool toy they just got....because no child is running to you to tell you that. There's a HUGE part of me that hopes when we find our "forever kids", that just hearing them say MOM will sound the way I imagine it sounds and make my heart feel the way I imagine it feeling!!
So I DID say I was thankful this year, and I must say that 2 little boys made me feel that warm fuzzy this year. Chris and I are blessed to be surrounded by many children in our family...sometimes that's nice, sometimes that makes it hard, I'm not gonna lie. But THIS Christmas, as we all sat on the floor opening presents with Nana, Mason, our cousin's little one, just climbed into my lap and gave me about 90 seconds of uninterrupted, unsolicited, completely unforced (meaning I didn't tickle him till he hugged me LOL), cuddles...and I'm pretty sure I could have cried...ok I'm lying, I had tears. The next day, our godson, Gabriel, who's the same age as Mason (a very rowdy 3), and not known for slowing down long unless he's sick or it's midnight, brought his blanket and climbed up into my lap in the chair and just plunked his head down on my shoulder. It is times like these that I put my hand on their head and look to the sky to say "thank you God" because I know it's His way of soothing my heart, of reminding me that regardless of the children we do or do not have, that my heart, and my life, are still full and overflowing with blessings. It's moments like that, that when I get home and climb into bed and stop to think, make me think that regardless of what happens, we're ok.
I'll be honest, that I hesitate to write things like this. I do NOT want any one to feel bad for us, or feel like I'm laying a guilt trip or that I hate being around friends and family with kids. This blog is of our journey and of our feelings (no matter how up and down and down and up they may be). I really hope that any one who reads this truly understands where my heart is (and if you do could you tell me cause sometimes I don't know LOL). Every child in our lives, whether they're family, or friends, or in our Sunday School classes, are SO precious to us and we truly treasure our time w/ them!!
I am SO blessed to be a wife to this man, a daughter to a wonderful mom and dad (who fought just as hard to find me!!), a friend to all the wonderful friends in my life, a homeowner, an employee in a company I'm proud to work for, a member of the Body of Christ, a sports fanatic, a wannabe softball player, a runner (ok I should put "wannabe" before that too LOL), a business owner.....I am so blessed by SO many things.....and as we ring in 2014, I'm proud to embrace every one of those things. And, God-willing, NEXT year when I write this list, it'll say MOM. But if it doesn't, then that's ok, because God promises me the desires of my heart, and really, why should I be greedy when all I really prayed for up until a couple years ago, was the life I already have!!! (As Chris puts on Pandora and some random song comes on "you can't take a shower in a parakeet cage, no you can't take a shower in a parakeet " twang twang twang....hahahaha...oh dear LOL)
So Merry Christmas (a little late, sorry) and HAPPY 2014!!! I truly do pray that each and every one of you is blessed this year and THANK YOU for being a part of our journey!!
