Unexpected Feelings

We've been "OFFICIAL" now since 10/14 when we heard we got our approval from the court.  There have been many times I've been upset that I have to get "permission" from a person/government to be a mom.  No offense to those out there reading this that can have their own kids whenever they choose to try,  but to not only have that "want to" taken away, but then to have to SUBMIT your ENTIRE life on paper to an agency, to a case worker, to their boss, and to a court judge, to sign off and pray that all 30 people decide you're "good enough" to be parents.....it's humbling and maddening and frankly, has pissed me off on numerous occasions....AND has, at times, made me question why we're doing this.  Surly if God wanted us to be parents he would have made it happen WITHOUT everyone's approval!!  But then, I look at my own story. My parents were unable to have kids biologically due to medical reasons; clearly, though, God had a plan for our family!  But there's something about KNOWING it and ACCEPTING it that are two entirely different things.

So imagine every phone call from our case worker that said "I've approved you, my supervisor is looking it over", to "my supervisor approved you, we sent it to the court", to (after what seemed like endless waiting) the phone call with the court clerk "The judge signed off on it, you're approved!", to our case worker again "We got it, you're certified and it's in the mail".  After every one of those calls, it was like I wanted to throw a party.  Here I was, mad one second that I needed their "approval" to so completely ecstatic that they HAD approved it!!  But that was NOTHING like opening the UPS package yesterday that had our actual home study in it....notarized, legal.....with an order from the judge that we are legal and acceptable to adopt (surly, though, they could come up w/ a better word than ACCEPTABLE).  "It is ordered that the above named applicants is/are certified as acceptable to adopt children pursuant to the laws of the State of Arizona."  I just might get those words in my next tattoo LOL.  As Chris and I were in the Senor Taco parking lot getting breakfast yesterday, as I ripped the package open and turned to the "official" documents, and then could barely get the words out through my tears as I looked at him and said "they said we can be parents; they really said we can be parents!!!"  As much as I have HATED that someone has the RIGHT to tell me I can or cannot be a mom.....I cannot begin to express how good it felt to open that and see it.  After all this work, I cannot believe it is now literally just a matter of time until we really are a mom and dad.

So as if that wasn't exciting enough yesterday, we also had our last PS-MAPP class (the class which we're required by law to take in order to become certified).  It was kind of sad, actually, to be done...we felt like we graduated LOL.  We met some great people in class, other couples that are on this road with us, some with kids, most without.  Chris and I feel TRULY blessed to have met some (hopefully) life long friends in the class, Tracey and Nate, who are amazing people and just a great couple, so fun to be around!  We have already had the opportunity to be there for them when they've received some not great adoption news, and despite that, they have literally wanted to go out and celebrate as we have hit some milestones in this journey.  This morning, I woke up to the following text from Tracey, which I'm pretty sure can convey the amazing person she is.....and I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a few goosebumps from it :)

How much of a better note can we end on??  Love to all, and THANK YOU for taking this ride with us!!!

***J***

Oh, the Feelings You Feel

So last night Chris and I started officially inquiring on kids off of the websites.  It is funny to me how our views of what we are looking for has changed since we started this process.  I don't know if it's because W & J were little that we said "we want little ones" or if it's because we were still hoping for a BABY, but over the last several months, we have found ourselves really drawn to the "older" kids.  I kinda wonder if I get that from my parents, my mom especially.  She always had a heart for teens and though I'm fairly, nearly, 99.99% certain I'm NOT ready for a teenager, we have found ourselves inquiring on 13, 14, 15 year olds.  Now, remember, we had said that 16 was our high end, but we basically put that just so we would still get some notice if there was a sibling group with that being the oldest.  But we have now found ourselves (and, if I'm honest, probably more me) so incredibly interested in that age group.

I think there will be a lot of self-reflection time ahead.  It's funny what even just a week of ACTUALLY looking at these sites will do.  I'm going to be transparent here because, well, this is our blog, so hopefully people are understanding of that...of course at this moment it's private, but hopefully one day we'll make it public to help others through this process...I want to be open about how we're feeling going through this.

We had said that race was not an issue, and I still don't think it is...an issue.  But, through the class we've been taking, we have really had our eyes opened with questions like "How would you help your black child when he or she comes home and tells you they were picked on because they were black?"  Everyone wishes they could be like The Blindside. Everyone wishes that racism was not present in this day in age.  While I feel like, in our hearts, it truly doesn't matter to US the race of our child...we will love them regardless of where they come from and what color their skin is.  But the truth is, the reason we're doing this is not only to have a family, but to (hopefully) improve the lives of the kids that join it.  So are we really improving their lives by adding the element of "well, I'm sorry you're dealing w/ that but I have no idea what to tell you because I've never faced it...good luck!  What would you like for dinner?".  I thought, going into this, we'll just love them through their troubles.  Provide support and therapy and counseling, and whatever else they need for sure, but just hug them a little tighter, and surely love will get them to 18.  While I don't think that's necessarily WRONG....I also now realize that that is DEFINITELY not going to be the only thing that works.  So I guess one of the things we realized yesterday, and vocalized, was that, for this moment in our journey, we're having to limit ourselves a little bit more on what we're looking for.  It's a humbling thing to realize...that you CAN'T do something.  And not that we can't (and won't) in the future, but for THIS moment, we can't.  It's OK to feel that, and realize that...it's better for the kids, it's better for your family...to ONLY take on what you KNOW you can take on, where you KNOW you can help!

What I also CAN'T do....watch the video postings on the websites.  I never thought we'd "pick" our kid based on a picture and a profile, but let me tell you...you can think one thing looking at just a picture (that is likely 2 years out-dated), but when you see those sweet babies ("babies" loosely because the one I watched was 15 LOL) talking and saying what they want in a family, in a mom and dad....who ever knew that kids felt they had to specify that they want a mom and dad that loves them?????  That they want a mom and dad who won't leave????  Poor Chris saw me go from SO excited on inquiring on 11 year old twin boys that we've been watching the site for the last month, to bawling my eyes out as I'm watching this 15 year old girl plead for a family who won't leave her and her 12 year old brother.  I have never wanted to win the lottery so badly so we could just literally adopt 20 15/16 year old's to give them a place to call their own before they get to old feeling like they don't belong.  So another level of self reflection: we can't help them all, and we're not called to.  I don't think...not yet LOL.

So now, welcome to the true roller coaster!  I feel it is going to be a little bit more of a bumpy ride that we thought!!

Blessings!!
***J***

And So it Begins...

Every time I start to think I'm going to be immune to the next email that comes from your case worker, Hydee, she sends me another one and, holy moly, I just go to the moon!!!  This one came today:

It came! You're good to go with inquiring. You'll be getting copies in the mail from us in a few days :-). 

So while the "It's Official" blog made us legally official, this one makes it REALLY official....because now we have all of the paperwork in our hands, ready to upload and send in to all of the hundreds of case workers we're likely to talk to in the next...however long this lasts lol.

And so it begins!!  We have officially inquired on our first 2 candidates.  Ok, wait, that sounds terrible.  We have officially inquired on our first 2 sibling sets!!

Blessings all!!!
***J***

Believe

I don't know how many holidays, birthdays, mother's days, and father's days we've said "Maybe NEXT year we'll get to celebrate."  There comes a time when you just want certain days, especially Mother's Day and Father's Day, to pass quickly.  Sure you love YOUR mom and dad, and your grandparents and whatever mother/father figures you have in your life, but there is no other days that bring to the forefront that you are NOT a mother and a father.  This past year has been the craziest and most productive year for us, baby-wise, but I think because we knew we were getting close w/ the fertility doctor, we didn't so much stress "the days" this year because we truly felt that (for real this time) NEXT year was our year.  And let's be honest, we really don't know that it is, even now that we're officially in the process of adopting, we don't even know how long it will take to become final!  However, this year, we are truly feeling a sense of peace about the whole thing.  I was talking to my mom the other day and she said "Honey, that's because so many people are praying for you guys and that's the peace in knowing He's in charge."  I've been a Christian my whole life and a practicing one for a good portion of it (if we're being honest lol), but I have never felt more peace in a crazier situation that I do right now...and it's kind of exciting!!!

Anyway, back to the reason for this entry today lol.  So like I said, we kind of ignored (the best we could) Mother's and Father's day this year, but we were smack in the middle of the craziness of home studies, fingerprints, CPS clearance checks, etc around our birthday's and anniversary this year.  Now, me personally, I don't think I'm that hard to buy for...pretty much any pair of earrings, kitchen gadget or softball related item is guaranteed to make my day.  Chris, as per usual, up'd the ante, and in August THIS is what I unwrapped:

Chris knows I love pictures and picture frames and he ALSO knows what it's like to walk through Hobby Lobby with me and have me say a million times "omgosh how cute would this be in a nursery?" or "How cute would THIS be in our kid's room" as I fawn over a softball or football collage frame.  But he also knows that inspirational quotes and reminders get me ever time.  So he got me this...and if you can't read the note it says "Our future kid's face here...no matter how God blesses us with them."  SERIOUSLY?!  So now every time I look at the dresser, with this picture frame on it, w/ no picture and that note...it reminds me of a couple things: A: we're in this together, B: he feels what I feel (the good and the bad), & C: We WILL have a family one day...no matter how God blesses us with them.

Proverbs 13:12, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

Blessings friends!!
***J***

A Moment of Sad...A Moment of Hope

So just as quickly as we were over the moon about being "official"...we were brought back down to earth by some news.  For a little back story:

We got back on this adoption roller coaster about 2 or 3 days prior to beginning IUI treatments to become pregnant.  We were approached by Chris' gramma, who (we'll make this easy) knew someone who knew someone who had grandkids available for adoption.  We'll call the kids W & J for anonymity's sake :).  So we did our due diligence, still knowing in the back of our minds we'd be in that fertility clinic later in the week.  But after meeting the grandfather of these 2 precious kids, we felt we needed to look into it farther.  So we put the dr on hold (only fair since they make you wait eons right??? LOL) and called around to try (AGAIN) to get our foot in the door of adoption.  Knowing the last time we had tried to do that (about 2 years prior), we assumed doors would slam in our faces again.  They didn't.  In fact, they swung so wide open I'm pretty sure a couple lost their hinges!  We were being put into contact with heads of agencies in Arizona and in Oregon & Washington (the kids were in Oregon), and with name partners of adoption law firms (who just HAPPENED *wink**wink* to be licensed in both Arizona and Oregon [SERIOUSLY?!]).  Please note, that 2 years prior, we couldn't get an agency to even tell us where to start to save our LIVES!!!!!  "Ok, God, we get the hint, we'll keep going!"  We were finally put in touch with our current agency, Building Arizona Families (www.buildingarizonafamilies.com), and were told they could be out within the week to start our home study.

Can I please, for a moment say, that both Chris and I have never felt more overwhelmed in our LIVES!!  We'd been praying for 4 years for a family.  We'd been to agencies, we'd been to endless doctors and specialists, and NOW, 3 days away from a possible pregnancy, we had the decision to make to proceed with fertility or abandon it all (or put it on hold...but it felt like abandoning it) and try to adopt these kids.  After much prayer, tears, talking, and WTF's, we decided to proceed with adoption.  We blew through our home study in 2 weeks and waited for it to be completed.  We started taking the the classes required for us to become certified.  And, as posted in the previous blog, we finally became OFFICIAL!!!  I called our case worker and said "OK, call Oregon, tell them we're ready to submit on those kids!!"

So she called and called and called and finally was able to speak to someone.  Can I please say, that I don't envy her job.  Sure she gets to give waiting parents the BEST joy ever by telling them "You're Matched!!" but she also has to tell them when they are NOT matched, or when the kids are not available.  And those kids...OUR kids...are no longer available.  They have been matched with a family and are in the middle of the adoption process, so they are no longer available.  Keep in mind, we were just pulling into the parking lot for the Seattle Seahawks vs. Arizona Cardinals game, so ultimate high, to ultimate low...we thought.  After getting off the phone with Hydee, we talked.  I cried, Chris cried.  But then we discovered something...that we STILL felt like we had made the right decision in pursuing adoption.  We knew it was a long shot with these 2 kids.  A 3-year-old and an infant don't stay available for long.  My biggest fear was hearing that they were no longer available and then feeling like we wasted our time, like we made the wrong decision.  We didn't.  We both know we didn't.  We feel fully at peace that these babies are in an amazing home, together, and that their parents now have 2 precious souls to raise and make THEM a family.  And we know that they were God's way of giving us the very strong, and not so subtle push, to get certified and get ready for the babies that He has planned for US!!

So please pray with us.  Pray that W & J are blessed beyond belief and that their new mom and dad love them to the fullest.  Pray blessing on their new family unit and that God's favor will be ever present in their lives.  Though they don't know us, and never will, pray that they just FEEL the love that us and our families and so many have been sending their way, and share in our joy that they have a new home, a new family, together.  And please pray for us as we start from scratch searching for OUR kids and the kids that will now make our family complete.

Blessings friends!!!
***J***

We're Official!!!

Well I thought I should send one giant update so everyone was on the same page and updated all at once :) First of all though, we want to thank everyone for their prayers and the huge role you all have played for us during this journey!  We never knew it would look like this, but we are just so grateful for the way it has turned out and we're SO excited for the kid(s) God is placing in our lives!!  Our destiny is to be parents and we just KNOW that He's working on some very special kiddos, getting them ready for us and getting US ready for THEM.

So we started this in...May?  June?  Late May I think.  And while our agency has worked very hard to get us processed quickly w/ the required home study, it took a lot of time, and of course, the wonderful state of Arizona, the court took IT'S time in approving us as well.  We were super blessed to find favor w/ them though, and the clerk at the court was WONDERFUL (and they're known for holding it against you if you badger them) and said "keep calling, we're getting to it".  So I kept calling and kept calling, and today, found out that we have been APPROVED and are now fully certified and LEGAL to adopt!!!!!  Our home study was approved by the judge and sent to another court (don't ask my why) for processing back to our agency.  I called them, they confirmed they received it, and would be sending the necessary documents to our agency w/in the next few days.

What that means:  Now the "searching" begins!!  We are still very much interested in the 2 kiddos that started this journey, the brother and sister in Oregon.  There is no guarantee at this time that they are A: still available and not already placed in an adopted home or B: that even if they ARE available, that they (their case worker) will find us to be a good match for them.  So while we're still holding onto hope for them, we will now start our search for other kids.  The process is LONG and will take some time, so prayers are still very much coveted and requested!!  

Here's how the process works:  there's 2 ways for us to "find" kids.  1: through the online websites and galleries.  adoptuskids.org is the biggest.  We see picture/profiles we like, "inquire" about them (that inquiry goes to their case worker).  Their case worker then sends OUR case worker a request for our home study (profile, autobiography, fingerprints, letters of recommendation, etc).  They review that and any other home studies from other families that have been submitted for the specific child or sibling set and pick 3-5 families that "match".  Then, the set up a big conference call between the child's case worker, their foster family, and all the hopeful families' case workers, and each family's case worker will advocate on behalf of their family to convince the child's case worker and foster family to "vote" for them.  Then they all vote and that family is then "matched" w/ that child.  Please note that we will more than likely inquire on 30+ kids before we're even invited to a "match meeting".  This process looks easy in email form, but will likely be a long time coming.  We're praying for quick success (but the RIGHT success as well!!).  Once we're "matched", we will receive the child's folder which will contain any and all background information and current medical records.....everything.  We'll read through it, page by page, to determine if this child really fits our family.  If we agree, then we say "YES" and we set up an official MEETING, where we will fly to wherever the child is and meet them for 5-6 days.  After that meeting, we'll go home and FINALLY get to prepare our home for kids!!!!!!!  Then the child or children's case worker will bring them to us anywhere from a couple weeks to a month or so later.

PHEW!!  So that's how it looks!!  After they come into our home, the agency will do follow up visits for a minimum of 6 months and then our adoption can be finalized and the Brooks' clan will grow!!!  AHHHHHH we're so excited!!  We are in for a long journey still, and possibly still a painful one as days go by and we're not "picked", but we really do know that God will place the right kids with us at the right time, so we just have to be patient, have faith....and ask that you remind us of that when we start to doubt :).

We love you ALL and will keep you updated as we know more.  We DO ask that this be kept off of Facebook, as adopting through foster care is very private and requires extreme confidentiality when it comes to these kiddos.  While the majority of our friends and family know, we just want to keep FB info limited until we can really have our family.  

***J***