So last night Chris and I started officially inquiring on kids off of the websites. It is funny to me how our views of what we are looking for has changed since we started this process. I don't know if it's because W & J were little that we said "we want little ones" or if it's because we were still hoping for a BABY, but over the last several months, we have found ourselves really drawn to the "older" kids. I kinda wonder if I get that from my parents, my mom especially. She always had a heart for teens and though I'm fairly, nearly, 99.99% certain I'm NOT ready for a teenager, we have found ourselves inquiring on 13, 14, 15 year olds. Now, remember, we had said that 16 was our high end, but we basically put that just so we would still get some notice if there was a sibling group with that being the oldest. But we have now found ourselves (and, if I'm honest, probably more me) so incredibly interested in that age group.
I think there will be a lot of self-reflection time ahead. It's funny what even just a week of ACTUALLY looking at these sites will do. I'm going to be transparent here because, well, this is our blog, so hopefully people are understanding of that...of course at this moment it's private, but hopefully one day we'll make it public to help others through this process...I want to be open about how we're feeling going through this.
We had said that race was not an issue, and I still don't think it is...an issue. But, through the class we've been taking, we have really had our eyes opened with questions like "How would you help your black child when he or she comes home and tells you they were picked on because they were black?" Everyone wishes they could be like The Blindside. Everyone wishes that racism was not present in this day in age. While I feel like, in our hearts, it truly doesn't matter to US the race of our child...we will love them regardless of where they come from and what color their skin is. But the truth is, the reason we're doing this is not only to have a family, but to (hopefully) improve the lives of the kids that join it. So are we really improving their lives by adding the element of "well, I'm sorry you're dealing w/ that but I have no idea what to tell you because I've never faced it...good luck! What would you like for dinner?". I thought, going into this, we'll just love them through their troubles. Provide support and therapy and counseling, and whatever else they need for sure, but just hug them a little tighter, and surely love will get them to 18. While I don't think that's necessarily WRONG....I also now realize that that is DEFINITELY not going to be the only thing that works. So I guess one of the things we realized yesterday, and vocalized, was that, for this moment in our journey, we're having to limit ourselves a little bit more on what we're looking for. It's a humbling thing to realize...that you CAN'T do something. And not that we can't (and won't) in the future, but for THIS moment, we can't. It's OK to feel that, and realize that...it's better for the kids, it's better for your family...to ONLY take on what you KNOW you can take on, where you KNOW you can help!
What I also CAN'T do....watch the video postings on the websites. I never thought we'd "pick" our kid based on a picture and a profile, but let me tell you...you can think one thing looking at just a picture (that is likely 2 years out-dated), but when you see those sweet babies ("babies" loosely because the one I watched was 15 LOL) talking and saying what they want in a family, in a mom and dad....who ever knew that kids felt they had to specify that they want a mom and dad that loves them????? That they want a mom and dad who won't leave???? Poor Chris saw me go from SO excited on inquiring on 11 year old twin boys that we've been watching the site for the last month, to bawling my eyes out as I'm watching this 15 year old girl plead for a family who won't leave her and her 12 year old brother. I have never wanted to win the lottery so badly so we could just literally adopt 20 15/16 year old's to give them a place to call their own before they get to old feeling like they don't belong. So another level of self reflection: we can't help them all, and we're not called to. I don't think...not yet LOL.
So now, welcome to the true roller coaster! I feel it is going to be a little bit more of a bumpy ride that we thought!!
Blessings!!
***J***
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