2014 is HERE!!

Happy 2014 to all of you!!!!  I'm sorry I haven't really written in the last month...I think normal excuses are Christmas craziness and holiday plans, but in reality, because of all that, it was a slow month, adoption-wise.  Nothing really to share...more inquiries, more "you're not what we're looking for"s, more silence and unreturned inquiries.  So really, it was a normal month I guess in this journey!! :-)  I'd be lying if I said that it was an easy holiday season.  There was a part of me, about 3 or 4 days before Christmas, that hit that point where I just wanted to throw in the towel.  HOW many holiday seasons have we gone through saying "THIS is our last Christmas without kids!!"  HOW many well wishes and "Merry Christmas"s have we gotten, along with a loving "next year you'll have little one's of your own to buy presents for!".  And before anyone get's offended if you said this to one of us....we KNOW where your hearts are, we KNOW you love us and have been praying for us and going on this journey with us.  But, in the spirit of transparency, there comes a point where you just want to stay in your room, with some hot cocoa and a book, buried under your covers, drowning out holiday tidings with tears.

As a Christian, and a family who centers our family on our faith, I'll admit these feelings feel very selfish to me, and the idea that I'm sad because I'm not buying presents for my own children make me feel ungrateful and that I'm really forgetting the true meaning of Christmas.  I assure you, I'm not.  I sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, I counted myself INSANELY blessed for the blessings I already have in my life, I woke up Christmas morning and thanked my God for sending HIS child to earth so that I could live eternally with mine.  The true spirit of Christmas is not lost on me, on us, I promise :-)  But let's face it...whether you believe in the Baby in the Manger version of Christmas, or the Santa Clause in the chimney version, or you just believe it's a happy time for family to come together and share memories...regardless of which you claim as yours, the holiday (or holidays in general) are centered around family get-togethers and memories.  We LOVE that we are a part of so many special memories that are being made.  But for any woman who LONGS to be a mom w/ every fiber of her being (or man to be a daddy) who's scared to say it, I'll say it: There's a part of you that crumples every time you watch a child's face light up and run to their mom and dad and say "Thanks mommy!!" for whatever cool toy they just got....because no child is running to you to tell you that.  There's a HUGE part of me that hopes when we find our "forever kids", that just hearing them say MOM will sound the way I imagine it sounds and make my heart feel the way I imagine it feeling!!

So I DID say I was thankful this year, and I must say that 2 little boys made me feel that warm fuzzy this year.  Chris and I are blessed to be surrounded by many children in our family...sometimes that's nice, sometimes that makes it hard, I'm not gonna lie.  But THIS Christmas, as we all sat on the floor opening presents with Nana, Mason, our cousin's little one, just climbed into my lap and gave me about 90 seconds of uninterrupted, unsolicited, completely unforced (meaning I didn't tickle him till he hugged me LOL), cuddles...and I'm pretty sure I could have cried...ok I'm lying, I had tears.  The next day, our godson, Gabriel, who's the same age as Mason (a very rowdy 3), and not known for slowing down long unless he's sick or it's midnight, brought his blanket and climbed up into my lap in the chair and just plunked his head down on my shoulder.  It is times like these that I put my hand on their head and look to the sky to say "thank you God" because I know it's His way of soothing my heart, of reminding me that regardless of the children we do or do not have, that my heart, and my life, are still full and overflowing with blessings.  It's moments like that, that when I get home and climb into bed and stop to think, make me think that regardless of what happens, we're ok.

I'll be honest, that I hesitate to write things like this.  I do NOT want any one to feel bad for us, or feel like I'm laying a guilt trip or that I hate being around friends and family with kids.  This blog is of our journey and of our feelings (no matter how up and down and down and up they may be).  I really hope that any one who reads this truly understands where my heart is (and if you do could you tell me cause sometimes I don't know LOL).  Every child in our lives, whether they're family, or friends, or in our Sunday School classes, are SO precious to us and we truly treasure our time w/ them!!

I am SO blessed to be a wife to this man, a daughter to a wonderful mom and dad (who fought just as hard to find me!!), a friend to all the wonderful friends in my life, a homeowner, an employee in a company I'm proud to work for, a member of the Body of Christ, a sports fanatic, a wannabe softball player, a runner (ok I should put "wannabe" before that too LOL), a business owner.....I am so blessed by SO many things.....and as we ring in 2014, I'm proud to embrace every one of those things.  And, God-willing, NEXT year when I write this list, it'll say MOM.  But if it doesn't, then that's ok, because God promises me the desires of my heart, and really, why should I be greedy when all I really prayed for up until a couple years ago, was the life I already have!!!  (As Chris puts on Pandora and some random song comes on "you can't take a shower in a parakeet cage, no you can't take a shower in a parakeet " twang twang twang....hahahaha...oh dear LOL)

So Merry Christmas (a little late, sorry) and HAPPY 2014!!!  I truly do pray that each and every one of you is blessed this year and THANK YOU for being a part of our journey!!

~~J~~