Hello, dearest friends and family!! I'm SO sorry I haven't written in so long!! One would think that that means nothing has been happening...and for once I wish that were the case! We have had MUCH activity the last 2 weeks...so much, that we have been SO overwhelmed and emotionally spent that, though I wanted to write, I had NO idea WHAT to write. For the first time in this journey, Chris and I have been on different sides, and can I say that, although I think that is normal, it's hell. You want to agree and you want this to just be a HAPPY time, but I can tell you from experience now, it's not going to be happy until we have kids in our home and dear GOD this has by FAR been the biggest test of our faith. I'm proud that I don't have to say "the biggest test of our marriage" like, unfortunately, I think a lot of people would if they weren't walking through this with God. I've had many musings about that the past several months, and even more the last couple weeks, but I"ll touch on that later.
So to start, WE'VE BEEN PICKED!! I'm sure, if you've been on this journey with us long enough, or have even just joined us and have gone back to read, you're going through the same "what, WHAT?!" emotions and thoughts we were when we received the following email...out of the blue!!
You may be wondering why we haven't shouted this from the rooftops yet...WE'RE PARENTS!!!!! So let me tell you how this day happened (since I promised to be honest and all lol). So in the morning of January 22nd, we got that email. We inquired on J about a month ago and were asked for our home study, but then we didn't hear anything until this email. The "normal" (I say normal, but I think that needs to be taken out of my vocabulary, because nothing about this process in NORMAL) process is to inquire, have a home study requested, send the home study, receive the redacted file, read the redacted file, say "yes we love them!", send it back, go to a match meeting, get picked, bring them home, live happily ever.....ok nm LOL. But those are the "normal" steps. In THIS instance, they skipped the "receive a redacted file", "read the redacted file", and "say yes we love them" parts. Instead, they just picked us! So we went through the "WTF?!" and "HOLY CRAP I'm gonna be a mom/dad!!!" emotions, which, after the "WTF" we did both say the latter. Then it was the "wait, how did this happen, we know nothing about her?!". So we frantically tried to get a hold of Hydee to see what was going on and get the file, as J's case worker wasn't going to send it until she got the signed confidentiality statement from Hydee (hence the lack of details here, sorry). So I was going to go get nails done w/ Tracey to celebrate OUR impending parenthood and THEIR impending parenthood (long story)...but by the time I pulled into the salon, Chris had read "THE FILE"....and his voice changed from excitement of "I'm going to be a dad!!" to "we need to talk about this." Now, unfortunately, for the sake of telling you WHY we're so confused, I can't tell you WHY we're so confused. This process is extremely confidential and if I DO divulge information, it could jeopardize us getting these kids, so I definitely cannot do that. But just know that I've never gone from such a high to such a low in a shorter amount of time! And can I say, that Chris logged into AdoptUsKids and saw THIS!!
And, as if that wasn't enough, the NEXT day we find out that one of the boys we've REALLY been interested in (I think I talked about him, his case worker asked for pictures of us to show him, which we kind of thought was odd since, again, we hadn't seen a file), basically picked us ALSO!! She's talked to T about us, told him that we love sports and would support his dreams of playing ball. He was devastated to learn that she would have to tell us about his bad behavior and said to her "Just tell them I'm a good kid, I can be defiant but I'm a good kid." SERIOUSLY?!?! Ugh, just writing it again makes me want to punch something. Because then HIS file isn't great either.
When do you start looking at the circumstances and not the child? When do you stop getting mad at the horrible system in place to protect these children and DON'T for so long, which then leads to 12 and 13 year old kids going through HELL for 10 years that makes them SO "messed up" (for pure lack of a better phrase) that it scares families who would give their limbs for a child?! And how on EARTH are we potentially, literally possible parents of 2 children and we haven't jumped up and down for hours, crying and screaming and decorating rooms?! Why are you all just now hearing about this, you might ask? Because Chris and I are not seeing eye to eye and we're waiting on more files and info and conference calls, praying w/ everything we've got that one of these case workers will say SOMETHING that will flip the other one to our way of thinking on the specific child. I WILL not lie to you guys when I say this has been, after all the hard weeks I've said we've had through this, the HARDEST week and a half of this process. To FINALLY be given what we want in abundance...and not knowing which direction to go. I literally, last night, collapsed on my knees by the side of the bed and just sobbed and prayed and prayed and sobbed. WHY did God give me a heart for these kids if we're not meant to have them? WHY have these precious, precious children had to endure SO much? Is being "picked" the sign from God that this is our child? Or is Chris' hesitation, or my hesitation, the sign from God that that is NOT the child for us? Are my feelings of "that can be our kid, we can DO this!" the sign that we take a leap of faith? Or is Chris' "I don't know, let's think about this" the sign that God is telling him to pump the brakes? Chris' gramma always says she loves that we respect each other, and I have to say, thank GOD we do because I'm tellin ya'll, this could get nasty if we didn't. But in the end, it's US, it's me and him....God gave me the man FOR me, as I've said before, and I'm so grateful that we can talk openly about how we feel through this process. It DOESN'T mean that we don't disagree and get our feelings hurt...it just means that in the end, we're still in this together and THAT'S what matters.
So here's the timeline of what's coming up:
Today: match meeting for sisters local here in state (oh wait, I haven't mentioned that?! LOL.)
Wednesday, Feb 5: conf call w/ J's case worker and others to discuss her file
Some other time: we'll get more info on T eventually
So the story on the sisters here locally? We were approached about them the beginning of January and invited to a match meeting, but hadn't heard anything about them. We finally found they were narrowing down their pile of families to about 4 or 5 before the meeting. Initially, on Monday, we were told we were not picked to be one of the families represented, but that we were the "alternate" for lack of a better word. Then, on Tuesday, Hydee called me and said "I just got off the phone w/ the case worker in (blank) and they've decided they want to include you guys, they want a younger, active family for these girls." She told him she wasn't going to put us through the match meeting if we weren't in serious contention since just the day before they HADN'T chosen us, but apparently we've got a great chance! (Frankly until they tell me I'm getting kids I don't react to "great chances" anymore....just a way to get my heart crushed.) So that happens from about 1-3 or 4 today.
You guys getting the roller coaster yet and why I want to get off? I've never felt more sure of a path God has put me on and more confused as to why I'm on it...and more MAD why He picked this path for me. (And honestly guys, I swear if someone says "God has a plan, it'll all work out" to me one more time....well, you've all been warned LOL.) I know, WE know, that God has the PERFECT kids for us and I'm soooooo excited to meet them!! But I'm getting quite mad at the process making me so callous and so bitter that I could potentially hear in 8 hours that I'm a mom to 2 beautiful girls....and right now, I just don't care. I promised honesty....and there you have it. Right now, I just don't care.
With THAT happy note lol, I know I'm sorry!!! This song, literally, has played in the car every time I'm in it and is now my mantra: Please enjoy and let it touch you where you need touching, just like it has me. What an awesome God I serve that I can feel so incredibly lost and unsure, yet so secure....I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the weirdest feeling I've ever felt....and I'm bipolar ya'll!!! LOL
Love and MANY blessings:
~~J~~
Never once, did we ever walk alone.
Never once, did you leave us on our own.
You are faithful, God you are faithful!
Well, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes -- I know so well all the feelings you describe. And I know so well the lyrics of that beautiful song are true. During the months of waiting for Mandy we were told a couple of different times that we would not receive her. Mom bought us a plaque with the Footsteps poem on it. This song makes me think of that poem. It was in the hall at the Fern Prairie house & I would stand, often holding you, & read it over & over. It is faded now, and many miles from Fern Prairie. But once again I find myself stopping to read it often -- really often -- riding on this roller coaster with you. We are so proud of both of you for battling through this one step at a time, and we love you so much. Remember what Corrie ten Boom said about 'under the wings'. God bless you both...............Mommyo-o-o
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