Sometimes It's The Small Things

So I feel like I write only when there's news or a big emotional break down or....ya basically just those.  So I wanted to write this morning w/ some happy stuff, and some blessings.

Well, to start off I guess, this past Wednesday, we had a conference call on J, the girl that is basically ours.  And I say "IS" only because I don't think Hydee has gotten email yet that I sent this morning saying "Thank you, but we can't."  I DID say this was going to be a happy entry, and it is, just wait for it!  LOL.  I REALLY wish I could share details so you all truly know what's behind all our though processes.  To an outsider, it may seem "she moans and complains she's not a mom, but now they said she is and she said "no thanks"".  Trust me, that thought has crossed our minds.....MANY, many times.  But when we started on this path, we trusted that God had the right child or children for US.  That regardless of how WE felt, we would trust the signs that we prayed so diligently for.

So I'll admit, for humor's sake, as one of my best girl friends, Kendall, and I jogged the park one morning, I was like "I don't know how I'm going to know!", and bless her heart as she listened to my crazy back and forth for over an HOUR!  I said, well, I just need a sign.  Now, I know signs happen.  I know signs happened in the Bible, I know people who they have happened TOO...I am not one of those people.  When I went to a retreat in November, one of the girls was talking about how she asked God for a sign said "God, if I'm supposed to do 'blank' then let me see an eagle (I think it was an eagle)."  And on her run that day, she did!!  So I was like, ok...if I really want J or I really want T, and technically we've been picked for both, then how am I supposed to know which is the one I'm supposed to say yes to?  So Kendall, in her ever knowing humorous wisdom says "Well it's not like you can say "show me a whale" when we're in the desert...because w/ YOUR luck, Jessica, we're turning that corner and there will be whale bones!!"  And w/ my luck there probably would be...and then I'd have to decipher well, I said a whale, so since the whale is dead does that mean no?  (Seriously, this is where you go for entertainment these days, right?  LOL).  So THAT whole thing blew up into, "Ok, well, if you're supposed to take J then you'll see a whale, and if you're supposed to take T then you'll see a dolphin."  Half an hour later we're getting our nails done w/ Ashley and she starts telling us all about the whale watching trip she and her husband went on that weekend.  And they say dolphins AND whales.  Kendall looked at me and we just couldn't contain ourselves and I said "I'm buying that dang Groupon!!"  For the sake of my faith, I have to say (and I am NO Biblical scholar by ANY preschool stretch of the imagination) that I don't think it's considered a sign if you go look for it.  But it DID provide much needed comical relief knowing that 2 of my friends understood my delicate mental state, and let me be just a LITTLE crazy...because if I was on the outside looking in, I'd think bi-polar was the least of my problems LOL.

Anyway.  There was no whale, or dolphin, or whatever I said I was looking for for J.  We had the conference call on J and oh my GOSH if I did not just want to bring that girl home and give her the chance.  I see SO much of my 12-14 year old self in her (so if you know me, you understand where she's at).  Now I'm not comparing...her life has been my hard times a gazillion.  But what if I didn't have the support that my mom and dad gave me at that age?  What if my mom and dad didn't have the support of their friends and family like THEY had when I was that age?  To encourage them through the hell of not knowing day to day what it was going to be.  Maybe WE are THAT mom and dad that is here to make that difference, to give her THAT chance...and so, even as I write this, I question..."Did we make the right choice?"  As confused as I am, as WE are, we did.  We made the right choice for her.  And it was AGONIZING to write that email to Hydee and say "I'm sorry, this is not for us."  And I pray that the part about her touching our lives and us continuously praying for her will get through and they'll believe we're serious.  I guess even if they don't, I know we'll never stop praying for that precious child, whether she was ours or not.  PLEASE keep her in your prayers, that they find the RIGHT family for her and that that family is BEYOND equipped to give her every chance and love in the world.

Yikes, ok.  Happy, I promised Happy :).  So our life doesn't JUST revolve around adoption (ok it totally does, but we manage to find ourselves in the midst of it!!).  I got hit w/ bronchitis and walking pneumonia on Wednesday (was a great day, I'm telling you) so I worked from home Thursday and Friday and basically did nothing productive.  Saturday I HAD to get out of the house, I was going nuts.  So Chris and I got up, went to get some breakfast, then decided to go look at some houses, because, you know, we're adopting LOL.  Chris, bless his heart, LOVES to house shop.  I don't, because I know I am blessed to have my house, but I don't love my house and if you give me 20 seconds, 10 even, I could tell you 20 things I don't like about it.  So, instead of looking at houses I like MORE, I choose not to go look!!  But now, the reality is, we're in a house that was NOT built for a family of 3 or 4 very active people.  And the schools in our area are probably the biggest hurdle, so we've got to get out and find a house more suitable to active living, and schools more suitable to a positive atmosphere for our children.  Basically, we looked at one open house then Chris got us turned around up on the 303 and who KNOWS where we were LOL, but can I please tell you at some point, as we were driving in the middle of nowhere, we just looked at each other and said "what a GREAT day!!"  I think I've said this before, but I wish you could be in my head during these moments, because I don't think I portray it correctly.  If you had the opportunity to know me back in the day, you know that, although I have always been able to put on a good face, I could also be completely consumed by the negatives in my life and the doubt of my emotions could easily encompass me.  How GREAT is my God that in a time that would have seriously eaten my spirit and my faith alive, I can be driving in the middle of nowhere w/ my husband and be at complete peace?!  In full disclosure, the whole time we were talking about adoption LOL.  But still!!!

Alright, well, I've been trying to write this one and get it published since 8 am, so I'm going to end here.  There's more, but it's driving me nuts just sitting here :-)  Love to all of you and thank you SO much (again) for taking this ride with us!!!

Blessings!!
~~J~~

I pray I can live MY life with Abandon
Newsboys:  Live With Abandon