xoxo
~Jess
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Way Too Long
Well, unfortunately I don't have time to WRITE write, but I know a lot of people have been asking for photos....and since I just got our new FAMILY photos, I thought I'd post those and write later :) Ya'll just want to see him anyway :-) Enjoy!! Hope you don't cry as much as I did LOL.
xoxo
~Jess
xoxo
~Jess
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Today is the Day!!!
I haven't written in SO long!!!!! Since the day they picked us for Raiden!! There have been SO many days where I've said "I should really blog about this....these feelings HAVE to be put on paper", especially since I said I was going to blog because I didn't want people going through this journey thinking they're feelings were NOT completely normal. I'll probably go back and write stuff down later for that. But TODAY......TOOOOOODAAAAAAAAAY is the day we have been working towards, praying for, BEGGING for.....for nearly 5 years. Today....in 1 hour and 25 minutes....we meet our SON!!!
We got on the plane last night in panic because were decided at the very last minute to fly out to Houston last night instead of today. Rush home from work, call Nana to pick up the dog, Jeff and Danielle to feed the cats, throw who knows what into our suitcases, pray I didn't forget my contacts (and underwear), get on the road, pray we locked the house, pray for no traffic.....TRY to relax once we get on the plane......Craziest 6 hours of my life LOL. We had the BEST flight crew!! We carried on Kristi's fantastic puzzle piece tradition and decided to bring some along to have people HERE sign them. Our gate agent in PHX signed one, the lady at the hotel desk last night signed one....our crew signed our tickets. It is going to be SUCH an awesome addition to his shadow box. But as we landed in Houston, our flight attendant made an announcement about a "special couple in row 12 that are coming to Houston to meet their adoptive son for the first time" and then the entire plane applauded and congratulated us. It was TRULY such a blessing, we were so touched!!
And then....this morning. Slept in, thankfully, went back to the airport to get our rental car, checked into our new hotel....and got a call from Raiden's foster mom. They would like to meet at 4, not 7. HOLY CRAP that was only 4 hours away!!!!! Now, as I'm typing this, it's 1 hour, 18 minutes. What goes through your mind when you're a little over one hour away from meeting your child? Let's be real guys: this is a moment that, if you read even 2 or 3 entries back, we never thought would get here. We've had faith this whole time, don't get me wrong, but there have been times when we said "maybe God's plan is for us to NOT have kids." Those moments didn't last long, but they were there. This is the moment, the day, that I have been praying for, wishing for, flat out demanding...for at LEAST 25 years. From the time I was little, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up....and while my "profession" dreams changed, I ALWAYS said "I want to be a mom!". There were SO many days, especially going through fertility, that I seriously questioned if that would ever happen for me...for us. I've tried so very hard to make sure that through the last few weeks that I've felt every emotion that has come my way.....this is what I wanted and I don't want to forget a moment of it. Now, going into the next few hours, I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of emotions going through me. It is NOT lost on me that this was God's promise....and it has been fulfilled.
Join with me in the next few hours, and pray for Raiden, that he feels the excitement that this moment deserves, but MOST of all, that he feels God's arms of peace, knowing that this wasn't just the plan for US, but for HIM. My personal prayer is that he's feeling peace, and that he isn't concerned about the feelings of loving us, or loving his mom, or where his sense of loyalty should be. My prayer is that he can come to a place in his sweet 7 year old heart, where he knows that it is truly ok to still love his mom but to love and trust his NEW dad and mom as well. This entire group of people that are waiting for him.....it is so truly amazing how many this journey has affected, how much HE has affected people and he may not ever have any idea. I know I will try, as my mom tried with me for my entire life, to show him just how much of a miracle I think he is.
And now....off to go get ready....we leave in 20 minutes LOL.
Thanks for coming w/ us on this ride, friends. Our love and prayers for all are unceasing, as yours have been for us. Hold on to those promises, whatever they are....this day is amazing proof of God's amazing grace!!
Blessings!!
~J
We got on the plane last night in panic because were decided at the very last minute to fly out to Houston last night instead of today. Rush home from work, call Nana to pick up the dog, Jeff and Danielle to feed the cats, throw who knows what into our suitcases, pray I didn't forget my contacts (and underwear), get on the road, pray we locked the house, pray for no traffic.....TRY to relax once we get on the plane......Craziest 6 hours of my life LOL. We had the BEST flight crew!! We carried on Kristi's fantastic puzzle piece tradition and decided to bring some along to have people HERE sign them. Our gate agent in PHX signed one, the lady at the hotel desk last night signed one....our crew signed our tickets. It is going to be SUCH an awesome addition to his shadow box. But as we landed in Houston, our flight attendant made an announcement about a "special couple in row 12 that are coming to Houston to meet their adoptive son for the first time" and then the entire plane applauded and congratulated us. It was TRULY such a blessing, we were so touched!!
And then....this morning. Slept in, thankfully, went back to the airport to get our rental car, checked into our new hotel....and got a call from Raiden's foster mom. They would like to meet at 4, not 7. HOLY CRAP that was only 4 hours away!!!!! Now, as I'm typing this, it's 1 hour, 18 minutes. What goes through your mind when you're a little over one hour away from meeting your child? Let's be real guys: this is a moment that, if you read even 2 or 3 entries back, we never thought would get here. We've had faith this whole time, don't get me wrong, but there have been times when we said "maybe God's plan is for us to NOT have kids." Those moments didn't last long, but they were there. This is the moment, the day, that I have been praying for, wishing for, flat out demanding...for at LEAST 25 years. From the time I was little, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up....and while my "profession" dreams changed, I ALWAYS said "I want to be a mom!". There were SO many days, especially going through fertility, that I seriously questioned if that would ever happen for me...for us. I've tried so very hard to make sure that through the last few weeks that I've felt every emotion that has come my way.....this is what I wanted and I don't want to forget a moment of it. Now, going into the next few hours, I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of emotions going through me. It is NOT lost on me that this was God's promise....and it has been fulfilled.
Join with me in the next few hours, and pray for Raiden, that he feels the excitement that this moment deserves, but MOST of all, that he feels God's arms of peace, knowing that this wasn't just the plan for US, but for HIM. My personal prayer is that he's feeling peace, and that he isn't concerned about the feelings of loving us, or loving his mom, or where his sense of loyalty should be. My prayer is that he can come to a place in his sweet 7 year old heart, where he knows that it is truly ok to still love his mom but to love and trust his NEW dad and mom as well. This entire group of people that are waiting for him.....it is so truly amazing how many this journey has affected, how much HE has affected people and he may not ever have any idea. I know I will try, as my mom tried with me for my entire life, to show him just how much of a miracle I think he is.
And now....off to go get ready....we leave in 20 minutes LOL.
Thanks for coming w/ us on this ride, friends. Our love and prayers for all are unceasing, as yours have been for us. Hold on to those promises, whatever they are....this day is amazing proof of God's amazing grace!!
Blessings!!
~J
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Not Flesh of My Flesh....But Still MIRACULOUSLY My Own
***So as a side note, I started this last week, but time FLEW by and I just couldn't find time near a computer w/ a keyboard larger than my phone to type, so that's why this is SO late of an update, I'm so sorry!!!***
I think I've held off writing because I can't think of a title worthy of this moment :-) And most of you know what's going on anyway, but now I will tell the story :)
WE'RE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is truly a miracle and gift from God and we cannot be MORE thrilled. We knew, and every one told us, that God had a plan and a perfect child for us, and that in His time and yada yada yada (I believe I covered how that made us feel sometimes LOL). I can honestly say...This feeling has made all the previous entries of sorrow and heartbreak COMPLETELY worth it. The joy we feel, not only because we have been made parents (FINALLY), is made even MORE joyful knowing that we trusted God, even when it was hard. These are the plans He had for us, the longing fulfilled, our future hope (Jer 29:11, Prov 13:12, Prov 23:18). And they're beautiful. And even now, after we've had a few days to process...I have tears thinking of the amazing journey He has brought us through, walked us through, DRAGGED us through...and the promise of a son, my son, OUR son. Yet again, I find myself truly wishing I could describe more accurately the feelings in my heart because they are just UNdescribable.
So now for the details!! Tuesday at 9 Hydee had a match meeting scheduled with 3 other families and the case workers in Texas. I'll admit, 3 other families were daunting, as we couldn't get picked when there was only 1 other family. So though Chris and I woke up that morning thinking about it, we really didn't THINK about it. We were firmly prepared to hear "I'm sorry, they picked another family" so we went about our day...I'll admit that it was 9:30 before I even looked at the clock and realized what was going on. I left work at 9:30 to go volunteer, as I do every other Tuesday. Figured it was a great way to hear a no...I'm w/ veterans, horses, other people...and I was near Chris' work to drop by and tell him the "bad" news. Which I think, honestly, wasn't even going to be "bad" news because we both expected it. So I get up to North Phoenix about 10:30 and about 10:35 (ok, not about, that call is now permanently a picture on my phone LOL) my phone goes off and my heart stopped. I snuck behind a tree (since we're not supposed to be on our phones) expecting a quick "ok thanks, we'll keep trying". Hydee made a minute or so of small talk, I joked that we needed to stop scheduling meetings on Tuesdays because this was the 3rd one in a row where I've had to sneak behind this particular tree to take a call from her LOL.
H: "Well, I have some good news for you."
J: "I'm sorry, what?"
H: "You guys were picked for Raiden!!"
J: "I'm sorry, what?! Wait, WHAT?!"
H: "Ya, you guys were picked, he's yours!!"
J: "He's what?"
H: "He's yours! Do you have time to hear about him?"
Do I have time to hear about him? LOL. Yup, I've got all the time you need, just let me clear my head first because I'm pretty sure she just said we were picked!! (Omgosh, even now, again, I'm fighting tears replaying this conversation in my head!!) WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!! He's 7 and he currently lives in Texas. Now, the bummer is that Texas, as a state, is behind in the file process, so it'll take most likely 3-4 months for them to redact his file and get it to us. Until we get the file and give our "official" yes, then we can't talk to him, see him, get any more information, etc. (GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!) After we get that file, we can start setting up our trip to Texas to go meet him!!! Then he'll come here a couple weeks after that, then go back to Texas (GRRRRRRRRR), then come here again and finally stay HOME!!! So we're probably looking July/August-ish, worst case scenario. That IS good for him though, so he most likely will be able to come here and start the school year, and not transfer in the middle. And it gives us a few months to get the house ready. But otherwise, I want him NOW! :-)
Ok, so after the phone call, I attempted to process it while serving some lunch to some vets. I kind of failed on the NOT being preoccupied part LOL. A few of the ladies who were there figured something was going on, and they knew we were trying to adopt, so they very quickly shoo'd me on my way so I could go tell Chris. Now, I'd been thinking for years of trying to get pregnant and adopt, of how I wanted to tell Chris he'd be a dad. There is NO place (thanks to Tracey calling around) in the west valley that makes t-shirts last minute. And I'd found the perfect ones online, but hadn't ordered them yet because that's how sure I was that I wouldn't need them this day. So, since every time Chris here's Raiden's name he says "Raiden Wins!" (just go w/ it, it's from a video game I guess, Mortal Combat), I decided, well, I'll get him Mortal Combat! So I went, very awkwardly into Game Stop and said "I need Mortal Combat" to which the brilliant kid behind the counter said "YOU need Mortal Combat, doesn't look like your type of game." Does no one buy gifts? LOL. I said "you have no idea LOL". So I got my game, stopped by the store for a card (FYI, they don't make cards for "Congrats, you got picked for a kid"...just in case you're looking some day LOL), and headed to Chris' work. Now remember the last time I showed up at his work, I crushed him by telling him we HADN'T been picked for the girls that we really honestly thought we were getting. So I walked in the office and Chris and his coworker were talking. (He said his heart kind of stopped when he saw me, he couldn't tell by my face.) His coworker just kept talking and talking (Grrrrrrrrrrrrr), but finally stepped away for a moment. Chris and I sat down and I handed him the game and the card (card on top). He said later, when he saw it, he assumed it was a "Hang in there, I love you no matter what" card and a video game to keep him busy. But he moved the card to the side and saw the game was Mortal Combat...he looked up at me and by that point I couldn't help it, I had tears running down my face. "Are you serious? We got picked?" he said. All I could do was nod. BEST. MOMENT. EVER. Now our crying and hugging was slightly interrupted when his coworker yelled "aw get a room you guys" and then shoved a clown carving in my face....then he finally realized (too late if you ask me) what was going on. Despite all of that, what an AMAZING feeling, I can't begin to explain!!!
We left Chris' work immediately and went home, preparing ourselves for the drive we had ahead of us. From the beginning of our "let's get pregnant" journey, we said we wanted to tell our families in person. So off we set! First stop in our journey around the Valley was Scottsdale to Chris' mom, Missy. Several years ago we had gotten her a charm bracelet w/ the intent of adding a "Grandma" charm some day...and we'd been holding on to this one for awhile. So Chris, the ever devious (rolling my eyes) person he is, called his mom when we pulled up front and said we had some insurance paperwork for her...on a Tuesday...in the middle of a work day LOL. He even went so far as to carry a random piece of paper when we walked up the sidewalk! As we got to her, he put the charm in her hand. It took a couple moments for it to all sink in, and then we were all crying again! AMAZING feeling, watching this man FINALLY be able to tell his mom the news he'd been wanting to tell her for YEARS! And SO awesome to see her reaction of pure love for her son, that he finally get's to be a dad!! Raiden isn't just the missing piece for us, he's the missing piece for a LOT of people!! It's hard to cut a visit short when you just want to celebrate and plan right then and there, but we had to head down to Casa Grande to my parent's house, so we left, with plans to see her later when we got to Nana's house to tell her.
So when my parents brought me home, and we went to our first race, a friend of theirs made them shirts. My mom's said "JJ's Mom". My dad's said "JJ's Dad". Mine said "JJ". So I thought it would be SUPER fun to get my dad a shirt that said "Raiden's Grandpa". Now you remember that I couldn't find a tshirt place to save my life in the west valley, but Arizona Mills, thankfully, had one, so we went and got THE BEST shirt EVER. Cost half of my remaining good lung, but whatever LOL. TOTALLY worth it!!!
I think I've held off writing because I can't think of a title worthy of this moment :-) And most of you know what's going on anyway, but now I will tell the story :)
WE'RE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is truly a miracle and gift from God and we cannot be MORE thrilled. We knew, and every one told us, that God had a plan and a perfect child for us, and that in His time and yada yada yada (I believe I covered how that made us feel sometimes LOL). I can honestly say...This feeling has made all the previous entries of sorrow and heartbreak COMPLETELY worth it. The joy we feel, not only because we have been made parents (FINALLY), is made even MORE joyful knowing that we trusted God, even when it was hard. These are the plans He had for us, the longing fulfilled, our future hope (Jer 29:11, Prov 13:12, Prov 23:18). And they're beautiful. And even now, after we've had a few days to process...I have tears thinking of the amazing journey He has brought us through, walked us through, DRAGGED us through...and the promise of a son, my son, OUR son. Yet again, I find myself truly wishing I could describe more accurately the feelings in my heart because they are just UNdescribable.
So now for the details!! Tuesday at 9 Hydee had a match meeting scheduled with 3 other families and the case workers in Texas. I'll admit, 3 other families were daunting, as we couldn't get picked when there was only 1 other family. So though Chris and I woke up that morning thinking about it, we really didn't THINK about it. We were firmly prepared to hear "I'm sorry, they picked another family" so we went about our day...I'll admit that it was 9:30 before I even looked at the clock and realized what was going on. I left work at 9:30 to go volunteer, as I do every other Tuesday. Figured it was a great way to hear a no...I'm w/ veterans, horses, other people...and I was near Chris' work to drop by and tell him the "bad" news. Which I think, honestly, wasn't even going to be "bad" news because we both expected it. So I get up to North Phoenix about 10:30 and about 10:35 (ok, not about, that call is now permanently a picture on my phone LOL) my phone goes off and my heart stopped. I snuck behind a tree (since we're not supposed to be on our phones) expecting a quick "ok thanks, we'll keep trying". Hydee made a minute or so of small talk, I joked that we needed to stop scheduling meetings on Tuesdays because this was the 3rd one in a row where I've had to sneak behind this particular tree to take a call from her LOL.
H: "Well, I have some good news for you."
J: "I'm sorry, what?"
H: "You guys were picked for Raiden!!"
J: "I'm sorry, what?! Wait, WHAT?!"
H: "Ya, you guys were picked, he's yours!!"
J: "He's what?"
H: "He's yours! Do you have time to hear about him?"
Do I have time to hear about him? LOL. Yup, I've got all the time you need, just let me clear my head first because I'm pretty sure she just said we were picked!! (Omgosh, even now, again, I'm fighting tears replaying this conversation in my head!!) WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!! He's 7 and he currently lives in Texas. Now, the bummer is that Texas, as a state, is behind in the file process, so it'll take most likely 3-4 months for them to redact his file and get it to us. Until we get the file and give our "official" yes, then we can't talk to him, see him, get any more information, etc. (GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!) After we get that file, we can start setting up our trip to Texas to go meet him!!! Then he'll come here a couple weeks after that, then go back to Texas (GRRRRRRRRR), then come here again and finally stay HOME!!! So we're probably looking July/August-ish, worst case scenario. That IS good for him though, so he most likely will be able to come here and start the school year, and not transfer in the middle. And it gives us a few months to get the house ready. But otherwise, I want him NOW! :-)
Ok, so after the phone call, I attempted to process it while serving some lunch to some vets. I kind of failed on the NOT being preoccupied part LOL. A few of the ladies who were there figured something was going on, and they knew we were trying to adopt, so they very quickly shoo'd me on my way so I could go tell Chris. Now, I'd been thinking for years of trying to get pregnant and adopt, of how I wanted to tell Chris he'd be a dad. There is NO place (thanks to Tracey calling around) in the west valley that makes t-shirts last minute. And I'd found the perfect ones online, but hadn't ordered them yet because that's how sure I was that I wouldn't need them this day. So, since every time Chris here's Raiden's name he says "Raiden Wins!" (just go w/ it, it's from a video game I guess, Mortal Combat), I decided, well, I'll get him Mortal Combat! So I went, very awkwardly into Game Stop and said "I need Mortal Combat" to which the brilliant kid behind the counter said "YOU need Mortal Combat, doesn't look like your type of game." Does no one buy gifts? LOL. I said "you have no idea LOL". So I got my game, stopped by the store for a card (FYI, they don't make cards for "Congrats, you got picked for a kid"...just in case you're looking some day LOL), and headed to Chris' work. Now remember the last time I showed up at his work, I crushed him by telling him we HADN'T been picked for the girls that we really honestly thought we were getting. So I walked in the office and Chris and his coworker were talking. (He said his heart kind of stopped when he saw me, he couldn't tell by my face.) His coworker just kept talking and talking (Grrrrrrrrrrrrr), but finally stepped away for a moment. Chris and I sat down and I handed him the game and the card (card on top). He said later, when he saw it, he assumed it was a "Hang in there, I love you no matter what" card and a video game to keep him busy. But he moved the card to the side and saw the game was Mortal Combat...he looked up at me and by that point I couldn't help it, I had tears running down my face. "Are you serious? We got picked?" he said. All I could do was nod. BEST. MOMENT. EVER. Now our crying and hugging was slightly interrupted when his coworker yelled "aw get a room you guys" and then shoved a clown carving in my face....then he finally realized (too late if you ask me) what was going on. Despite all of that, what an AMAZING feeling, I can't begin to explain!!!
We left Chris' work immediately and went home, preparing ourselves for the drive we had ahead of us. From the beginning of our "let's get pregnant" journey, we said we wanted to tell our families in person. So off we set! First stop in our journey around the Valley was Scottsdale to Chris' mom, Missy. Several years ago we had gotten her a charm bracelet w/ the intent of adding a "Grandma" charm some day...and we'd been holding on to this one for awhile. So Chris, the ever devious (rolling my eyes) person he is, called his mom when we pulled up front and said we had some insurance paperwork for her...on a Tuesday...in the middle of a work day LOL. He even went so far as to carry a random piece of paper when we walked up the sidewalk! As we got to her, he put the charm in her hand. It took a couple moments for it to all sink in, and then we were all crying again! AMAZING feeling, watching this man FINALLY be able to tell his mom the news he'd been wanting to tell her for YEARS! And SO awesome to see her reaction of pure love for her son, that he finally get's to be a dad!! Raiden isn't just the missing piece for us, he's the missing piece for a LOT of people!! It's hard to cut a visit short when you just want to celebrate and plan right then and there, but we had to head down to Casa Grande to my parent's house, so we left, with plans to see her later when we got to Nana's house to tell her.
So when my parents brought me home, and we went to our first race, a friend of theirs made them shirts. My mom's said "JJ's Mom". My dad's said "JJ's Dad". Mine said "JJ". So I thought it would be SUPER fun to get my dad a shirt that said "Raiden's Grandpa". Now you remember that I couldn't find a tshirt place to save my life in the west valley, but Arizona Mills, thankfully, had one, so we went and got THE BEST shirt EVER. Cost half of my remaining good lung, but whatever LOL. TOTALLY worth it!!!
We found my mom a little figurine of a woman rocking a small child covered in a quilt...one thing I always remember about my mom is the picture of her rocking me and Mandy when we were really little, so that was immediately the choice for her! **Hmmmm, though now I look at it, that's not a rocking chair. Hmmmmm, well crap LOL. I've always had THIS picture in my head when I think about rocking chairs LOL...well, anyway LOL**
After rejoicing w/ my parents (I think my dad was in shock LOL), we headed back up towards our side of town to tell Chris' gramma and aunt and cousins. We TRIED to be sneaky, and have Missy tell them we were coming over for cake since it was Jill's birthday, but unfortunately, because a couple people weren't feeling good, some people decided to stay away...which led to some very fun and very emotional phone calls :-). I think, honestly, the most fun I had all day, was watching Chris tell his family. "We got picked" he'd say to whoever as the emotion just overtook him. My husband is not one to wear his emotions on his sleeve. If you have the privilege to know him, you KNOW he cares and you know he'll do anything for any body. But he's a "nice" guy because he'll never say no and you'll never hear him complain. I was a little unsure of how he would react to this day...I KNEW he would be ecstatic when it was just us, but I was hoping and praying that, because it happened so fast, he'd truly feel the emotions that went along w/ that amazing phone call. This has been one of THE best weeks, not just because we now have a son (AHHHHHHHHHHHH, it's not old even after a week of sinking in LOL), but because I have truly seen the love and excitement on Chris' face. His tears of joy, his tears and sighs of relief that we finally DID IT!!!!!!!!!! The pride on his face when he looks at me and says "Baby, you're a mom!! I'm a Dad!!!" Brings me to tears even thinking of it now.
I'll end here. There's SO much more to share, but I need to get this one published, finally LOL. This journey could have been easier. It could have been less painful. And while there are times we wish it were both of those, we talked all the way across the Valley last week, and in the days past, and realized...we wouldn't really change it. Sure if we could have had kids the last few years, then that would have been amazing...but what we have gained from this...it's not to be found anywhere else, than when you've been brought to your knees, as a person, as a couple.....and laid your marriage, your dreams, your life...down for God and said "your will." No matter how mad we've been, how hurt, how uncertain...THIS feeling, the one that's swelling in my heart at this moment...THIS is what this lesson was for. THIS is what this journey was for. And Raiden is OUR son...just like Mandy and I were made for the Trembly family, just like kids we know of dear friends...we didn't come into this world by THEIR hands....but we sure came into it through their hearts...and Raiden was MEANT for the Brooks family, for our family. He's our missing piece, our dream come true, our sleepless nights, our shed and unshed tears, our prayers of anguish and of hope...He's our journey of faith and WHAT an amazing earthly outcome. We can't WAIT to share him with you all!!!! THANK YOU for your prayers, for you love, for your endless support of this journey into adoption...of "building our family in faith". We sincerely couldn't have (and won't) do it without you. There will be lots to share in the next several months until we get to meet him, but this is the entry I've been dreaming about...
Adoption Creed (said from memory, because I would read it every night on my wall before bed as a kid):
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own
I'll never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it
Blessings all!!!
~~J~~
Monday, February 10, 2014
A Sprinkle of Hope
Ok so I KNEW there was more I wanted to say (there always is LOL), and this song has been playing in my heart and in my head (songs are basically my life blood and I can find a way to relate ANY song to how I'm feeling...just FYI :-) ). I'm posting 2 videos, 1 is the song, the other is the artists talking about the song, a husband and wife...and I have to tell you, I've listened to this song a MILLION times, but never clicked the "making of" link. Powerful!! Watch them both if you have time...the "making of" is only about 2 minutes. "It's such a different feeling to KNOW it in your head, but FEEL it in your heart."
Love & the Outcome: He is With Us
So I think I mentioned it in the blog about the girls from last week (2 weeks?), that we were just MAD. We still have our faith, but we were (and sometimes still are) MAD at God and MAD at this process. We have prayed, So fervently, more so than I have ever prayed in my LIFE! Not because I want it more, but because I BELIEVE it more. I trust my faith and I trust my husband, our marriage, our families and friends...I just BELIEVE that this is right and so with that, I feel, that "Ok God, I'm giving you ME, so now give me what I want." Seems like a fair trade lol. When we got the "no" about the girls, we were crushed. Our spirit was crushed, our hopes were crushed, our fighting spirit, for a moment of time, was crushed. We made a choice to trust God, to KEEP trusting him, to KEEP trusting that we're doing what we're supposed to be doing...but we were still mad. So we skipped church (it was the Super Bowl after all too...the SEAHAWKS Super Bowl at that!). We admittedly skipped church, not for football, but because we were mad. So this week, on Saturday, even though parts of us are still mad, I looked at Chris and said "we're going tomorrow". Best. Decision. EVER!!
Yesterday's message was titled "Live Like Your Prayers Will Actually Work". Talk about what we needed to hear!! You can click here to go to the iTunes podcasts...it's worth a listen!! Anyway. Some of the verses mentioned REALLY stood out to me and rejuvenated me and I want to share them with you, so maybe whatever YOU'RE praying for, you'll be able to pray like they'll actually work :-)
Isaiah 40:31
New International Version (NIV)
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
This one's tough, not gonna lie:
Psalm 27:14
New International Version (NIV)
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.
Hebrews 6:12
New International Version (NIV)
12 We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patienceinherit what has been promised.
The Psalm 27 one really stuck out to me since I heard it...so i'm being strong and taking heart and (for now LOL) waiting on the Lord :-)
Blessings dear friends!!
~~J~~
Sometimes It's The Small Things
So I feel like I write only when there's news or a big emotional break down or....ya basically just those. So I wanted to write this morning w/ some happy stuff, and some blessings.
Well, to start off I guess, this past Wednesday, we had a conference call on J, the girl that is basically ours. And I say "IS" only because I don't think Hydee has gotten email yet that I sent this morning saying "Thank you, but we can't." I DID say this was going to be a happy entry, and it is, just wait for it! LOL. I REALLY wish I could share details so you all truly know what's behind all our though processes. To an outsider, it may seem "she moans and complains she's not a mom, but now they said she is and she said "no thanks"". Trust me, that thought has crossed our minds.....MANY, many times. But when we started on this path, we trusted that God had the right child or children for US. That regardless of how WE felt, we would trust the signs that we prayed so diligently for.
So I'll admit, for humor's sake, as one of my best girl friends, Kendall, and I jogged the park one morning, I was like "I don't know how I'm going to know!", and bless her heart as she listened to my crazy back and forth for over an HOUR! I said, well, I just need a sign. Now, I know signs happen. I know signs happened in the Bible, I know people who they have happened TOO...I am not one of those people. When I went to a retreat in November, one of the girls was talking about how she asked God for a sign said "God, if I'm supposed to do 'blank' then let me see an eagle (I think it was an eagle)." And on her run that day, she did!! So I was like, ok...if I really want J or I really want T, and technically we've been picked for both, then how am I supposed to know which is the one I'm supposed to say yes to? So Kendall, in her ever knowing humorous wisdom says "Well it's not like you can say "show me a whale" when we're in the desert...because w/ YOUR luck, Jessica, we're turning that corner and there will be whale bones!!" And w/ my luck there probably would be...and then I'd have to decipher well, I said a whale, so since the whale is dead does that mean no? (Seriously, this is where you go for entertainment these days, right? LOL). So THAT whole thing blew up into, "Ok, well, if you're supposed to take J then you'll see a whale, and if you're supposed to take T then you'll see a dolphin." Half an hour later we're getting our nails done w/ Ashley and she starts telling us all about the whale watching trip she and her husband went on that weekend. And they say dolphins AND whales. Kendall looked at me and we just couldn't contain ourselves and I said "I'm buying that dang Groupon!!" For the sake of my faith, I have to say (and I am NO Biblical scholar by ANY preschool stretch of the imagination) that I don't think it's considered a sign if you go look for it. But it DID provide much needed comical relief knowing that 2 of my friends understood my delicate mental state, and let me be just a LITTLE crazy...because if I was on the outside looking in, I'd think bi-polar was the least of my problems LOL.
Anyway. There was no whale, or dolphin, or whatever I said I was looking for for J. We had the conference call on J and oh my GOSH if I did not just want to bring that girl home and give her the chance. I see SO much of my 12-14 year old self in her (so if you know me, you understand where she's at). Now I'm not comparing...her life has been my hard times a gazillion. But what if I didn't have the support that my mom and dad gave me at that age? What if my mom and dad didn't have the support of their friends and family like THEY had when I was that age? To encourage them through the hell of not knowing day to day what it was going to be. Maybe WE are THAT mom and dad that is here to make that difference, to give her THAT chance...and so, even as I write this, I question..."Did we make the right choice?" As confused as I am, as WE are, we did. We made the right choice for her. And it was AGONIZING to write that email to Hydee and say "I'm sorry, this is not for us." And I pray that the part about her touching our lives and us continuously praying for her will get through and they'll believe we're serious. I guess even if they don't, I know we'll never stop praying for that precious child, whether she was ours or not. PLEASE keep her in your prayers, that they find the RIGHT family for her and that that family is BEYOND equipped to give her every chance and love in the world.
Yikes, ok. Happy, I promised Happy :). So our life doesn't JUST revolve around adoption (ok it totally does, but we manage to find ourselves in the midst of it!!). I got hit w/ bronchitis and walking pneumonia on Wednesday (was a great day, I'm telling you) so I worked from home Thursday and Friday and basically did nothing productive. Saturday I HAD to get out of the house, I was going nuts. So Chris and I got up, went to get some breakfast, then decided to go look at some houses, because, you know, we're adopting LOL. Chris, bless his heart, LOVES to house shop. I don't, because I know I am blessed to have my house, but I don't love my house and if you give me 20 seconds, 10 even, I could tell you 20 things I don't like about it. So, instead of looking at houses I like MORE, I choose not to go look!! But now, the reality is, we're in a house that was NOT built for a family of 3 or 4 very active people. And the schools in our area are probably the biggest hurdle, so we've got to get out and find a house more suitable to active living, and schools more suitable to a positive atmosphere for our children. Basically, we looked at one open house then Chris got us turned around up on the 303 and who KNOWS where we were LOL, but can I please tell you at some point, as we were driving in the middle of nowhere, we just looked at each other and said "what a GREAT day!!" I think I've said this before, but I wish you could be in my head during these moments, because I don't think I portray it correctly. If you had the opportunity to know me back in the day, you know that, although I have always been able to put on a good face, I could also be completely consumed by the negatives in my life and the doubt of my emotions could easily encompass me. How GREAT is my God that in a time that would have seriously eaten my spirit and my faith alive, I can be driving in the middle of nowhere w/ my husband and be at complete peace?! In full disclosure, the whole time we were talking about adoption LOL. But still!!!
Alright, well, I've been trying to write this one and get it published since 8 am, so I'm going to end here. There's more, but it's driving me nuts just sitting here :-) Love to all of you and thank you SO much (again) for taking this ride with us!!!
Blessings!!
~~J~~
I pray I can live MY life with Abandon
Newsboys: Live With Abandon
Well, to start off I guess, this past Wednesday, we had a conference call on J, the girl that is basically ours. And I say "IS" only because I don't think Hydee has gotten email yet that I sent this morning saying "Thank you, but we can't." I DID say this was going to be a happy entry, and it is, just wait for it! LOL. I REALLY wish I could share details so you all truly know what's behind all our though processes. To an outsider, it may seem "she moans and complains she's not a mom, but now they said she is and she said "no thanks"". Trust me, that thought has crossed our minds.....MANY, many times. But when we started on this path, we trusted that God had the right child or children for US. That regardless of how WE felt, we would trust the signs that we prayed so diligently for.
So I'll admit, for humor's sake, as one of my best girl friends, Kendall, and I jogged the park one morning, I was like "I don't know how I'm going to know!", and bless her heart as she listened to my crazy back and forth for over an HOUR! I said, well, I just need a sign. Now, I know signs happen. I know signs happened in the Bible, I know people who they have happened TOO...I am not one of those people. When I went to a retreat in November, one of the girls was talking about how she asked God for a sign said "God, if I'm supposed to do 'blank' then let me see an eagle (I think it was an eagle)." And on her run that day, she did!! So I was like, ok...if I really want J or I really want T, and technically we've been picked for both, then how am I supposed to know which is the one I'm supposed to say yes to? So Kendall, in her ever knowing humorous wisdom says "Well it's not like you can say "show me a whale" when we're in the desert...because w/ YOUR luck, Jessica, we're turning that corner and there will be whale bones!!" And w/ my luck there probably would be...and then I'd have to decipher well, I said a whale, so since the whale is dead does that mean no? (Seriously, this is where you go for entertainment these days, right? LOL). So THAT whole thing blew up into, "Ok, well, if you're supposed to take J then you'll see a whale, and if you're supposed to take T then you'll see a dolphin." Half an hour later we're getting our nails done w/ Ashley and she starts telling us all about the whale watching trip she and her husband went on that weekend. And they say dolphins AND whales. Kendall looked at me and we just couldn't contain ourselves and I said "I'm buying that dang Groupon!!" For the sake of my faith, I have to say (and I am NO Biblical scholar by ANY preschool stretch of the imagination) that I don't think it's considered a sign if you go look for it. But it DID provide much needed comical relief knowing that 2 of my friends understood my delicate mental state, and let me be just a LITTLE crazy...because if I was on the outside looking in, I'd think bi-polar was the least of my problems LOL.
Anyway. There was no whale, or dolphin, or whatever I said I was looking for for J. We had the conference call on J and oh my GOSH if I did not just want to bring that girl home and give her the chance. I see SO much of my 12-14 year old self in her (so if you know me, you understand where she's at). Now I'm not comparing...her life has been my hard times a gazillion. But what if I didn't have the support that my mom and dad gave me at that age? What if my mom and dad didn't have the support of their friends and family like THEY had when I was that age? To encourage them through the hell of not knowing day to day what it was going to be. Maybe WE are THAT mom and dad that is here to make that difference, to give her THAT chance...and so, even as I write this, I question..."Did we make the right choice?" As confused as I am, as WE are, we did. We made the right choice for her. And it was AGONIZING to write that email to Hydee and say "I'm sorry, this is not for us." And I pray that the part about her touching our lives and us continuously praying for her will get through and they'll believe we're serious. I guess even if they don't, I know we'll never stop praying for that precious child, whether she was ours or not. PLEASE keep her in your prayers, that they find the RIGHT family for her and that that family is BEYOND equipped to give her every chance and love in the world.
Yikes, ok. Happy, I promised Happy :). So our life doesn't JUST revolve around adoption (ok it totally does, but we manage to find ourselves in the midst of it!!). I got hit w/ bronchitis and walking pneumonia on Wednesday (was a great day, I'm telling you) so I worked from home Thursday and Friday and basically did nothing productive. Saturday I HAD to get out of the house, I was going nuts. So Chris and I got up, went to get some breakfast, then decided to go look at some houses, because, you know, we're adopting LOL. Chris, bless his heart, LOVES to house shop. I don't, because I know I am blessed to have my house, but I don't love my house and if you give me 20 seconds, 10 even, I could tell you 20 things I don't like about it. So, instead of looking at houses I like MORE, I choose not to go look!! But now, the reality is, we're in a house that was NOT built for a family of 3 or 4 very active people. And the schools in our area are probably the biggest hurdle, so we've got to get out and find a house more suitable to active living, and schools more suitable to a positive atmosphere for our children. Basically, we looked at one open house then Chris got us turned around up on the 303 and who KNOWS where we were LOL, but can I please tell you at some point, as we were driving in the middle of nowhere, we just looked at each other and said "what a GREAT day!!" I think I've said this before, but I wish you could be in my head during these moments, because I don't think I portray it correctly. If you had the opportunity to know me back in the day, you know that, although I have always been able to put on a good face, I could also be completely consumed by the negatives in my life and the doubt of my emotions could easily encompass me. How GREAT is my God that in a time that would have seriously eaten my spirit and my faith alive, I can be driving in the middle of nowhere w/ my husband and be at complete peace?! In full disclosure, the whole time we were talking about adoption LOL. But still!!!
Alright, well, I've been trying to write this one and get it published since 8 am, so I'm going to end here. There's more, but it's driving me nuts just sitting here :-) Love to all of you and thank you SO much (again) for taking this ride with us!!!
Blessings!!
~~J~~
I pray I can live MY life with Abandon
Newsboys: Live With Abandon
Monday, February 3, 2014
Worst Weekend...EVER
First off, THANK YOU all for your continued prayers and loving thoughts through out this process. Every time we feel like "how the heck do we keep going?" we are reminded just how many people are praying for us endlessly, and please know...we feel it!!
So...good and bad news. Good news: K & M have a wonderful new home!!! Bad news: it's not w/ us. I have to tell you, if you read about the day we found out about T and then the day AFTER we found out about T, you know I was emotional that day...but that was not even CLOSE to how we felt Friday and this weekend! Hydee called me about 10:30 Friday morning (I nearly threw up when I saw the caller ID) and said "they did decide to go with the other family". You'd never think those words could cut as deep as they did...this felt like it was IT, it REALLY did!! I woke up Friday morning and for a second, pictured the girls in their room...for some reason I pictured yelling upstairs to them for dinner (don't know why it was 3am)...As much as we tried to tell ourselves "it's possible they might not choose us", I have to say, I really don't think we believed that! My parents, Chris' family, the few friends of ours that really knew all the details....man we ALL thought that this was IT!
I drove up to Chris' work to tell him...didn't feel like something to say over the phone. Then we went home, and decided to spend some time w/ my folks that night, just get out of the house. It's funny how much we BOTH pictured the girls there because neither one of us wanted to be there! I'll be honest I'm still kind of numb and in shock so I'm not real sure what I'm feeling.
I came in planning to write some crazy long update today about how I felt all weekend and instead, I get an email first thing from Hydee about another kid...it's just SO bizarre that we have to forget about the girls and move on to the next one, giving that child and those children the same chance and time and care and concern and thought we gave 2 that we truly thought were ours! But I can say, I'm thanking God for clearing my mind and letting me think, because all though I am still COMPLETELY overwhelmed, I honestly feel like I'm ready to look at the next one, whoever that may be.
So lots of prayers, please, that K & M LOVE their new family. That mom and dad can welcome them w/ open arms and love them like their own, like they deserved to be loved! That their new brothers and/or sisters will welcome them into THEIR home and make them feel at home and that the transition would be as easy and seamless as possible. And pray for us, still, that that right kid or kids would find their way into our email boxes and hearts, that the right choices would be made and that we would KNOW without a DOUBT that that child or those children are indeed the Brooks kids that God planned for us.
So, as per usual lately, I'll leave you w/ a song that played the moment I turned my car on to go drive up to Chris' office on Friday (after I cried my eyes out on the phone w/ my mom LOL). God is good, isn't he?!
Blessings everyone!!
~~J~~
Worn: Tenth Avenue North:
So...good and bad news. Good news: K & M have a wonderful new home!!! Bad news: it's not w/ us. I have to tell you, if you read about the day we found out about T and then the day AFTER we found out about T, you know I was emotional that day...but that was not even CLOSE to how we felt Friday and this weekend! Hydee called me about 10:30 Friday morning (I nearly threw up when I saw the caller ID) and said "they did decide to go with the other family". You'd never think those words could cut as deep as they did...this felt like it was IT, it REALLY did!! I woke up Friday morning and for a second, pictured the girls in their room...for some reason I pictured yelling upstairs to them for dinner (don't know why it was 3am)...As much as we tried to tell ourselves "it's possible they might not choose us", I have to say, I really don't think we believed that! My parents, Chris' family, the few friends of ours that really knew all the details....man we ALL thought that this was IT!
I drove up to Chris' work to tell him...didn't feel like something to say over the phone. Then we went home, and decided to spend some time w/ my folks that night, just get out of the house. It's funny how much we BOTH pictured the girls there because neither one of us wanted to be there! I'll be honest I'm still kind of numb and in shock so I'm not real sure what I'm feeling.
I came in planning to write some crazy long update today about how I felt all weekend and instead, I get an email first thing from Hydee about another kid...it's just SO bizarre that we have to forget about the girls and move on to the next one, giving that child and those children the same chance and time and care and concern and thought we gave 2 that we truly thought were ours! But I can say, I'm thanking God for clearing my mind and letting me think, because all though I am still COMPLETELY overwhelmed, I honestly feel like I'm ready to look at the next one, whoever that may be.
So lots of prayers, please, that K & M LOVE their new family. That mom and dad can welcome them w/ open arms and love them like their own, like they deserved to be loved! That their new brothers and/or sisters will welcome them into THEIR home and make them feel at home and that the transition would be as easy and seamless as possible. And pray for us, still, that that right kid or kids would find their way into our email boxes and hearts, that the right choices would be made and that we would KNOW without a DOUBT that that child or those children are indeed the Brooks kids that God planned for us.
So, as per usual lately, I'll leave you w/ a song that played the moment I turned my car on to go drive up to Chris' office on Friday (after I cried my eyes out on the phone w/ my mom LOL). God is good, isn't he?!
Blessings everyone!!
Worn: Tenth Avenue North:
Friday, January 31, 2014
Longest Night EVER!!
Ok...well.....good news is they didn't say NO right away like the did w/ T back in November. BAD news is they decided to think about it over night (which we fear will turn into the weekend). Good news is that Hydee thinks that it is strongly between us and one other family and that it will come down to if they want to place the girls with a family who doesn't have kids or who already has kids. I think I'd rather they just say "no" right off, seriously, I slept about an hour...maybe 2.
So like the night we found out about T, we decided Macayo's could fix us again, so we went and talked and then walked around Target...kind of lost in a zone. Scared to be excited, scared to NOT get excited, only to find out they were ours. I seriously feel like every case worker should go through this adoption "wait" so they know what they're doing to us by making us wait....this is ridiculous!!!
So last night, we prayed for peace, for us, for the case workers making the decision...we prayed that K & M would find love wherever they went...we prayed that God would do HIS will, but we MAY or may not have mentioned that we are SO ready for it to be us....and I DREAMED about them! UGH!!! Lord, give me the strength to get through this day until that phone rings.....and the strength to not throw it against the wall when it does LOL. I've never wanted a day to come and NOT wanted a day to come so much in my life!!!
All our love and thanks for all the prayers!
~~J~~
So like the night we found out about T, we decided Macayo's could fix us again, so we went and talked and then walked around Target...kind of lost in a zone. Scared to be excited, scared to NOT get excited, only to find out they were ours. I seriously feel like every case worker should go through this adoption "wait" so they know what they're doing to us by making us wait....this is ridiculous!!!
So last night, we prayed for peace, for us, for the case workers making the decision...we prayed that K & M would find love wherever they went...we prayed that God would do HIS will, but we MAY or may not have mentioned that we are SO ready for it to be us....and I DREAMED about them! UGH!!! Lord, give me the strength to get through this day until that phone rings.....and the strength to not throw it against the wall when it does LOL. I've never wanted a day to come and NOT wanted a day to come so much in my life!!!
All our love and thanks for all the prayers!
~~J~~
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