Way Too Long

Well, unfortunately I don't have time to WRITE write, but I know a lot of people have been asking for photos....and since I just got our new FAMILY photos, I thought I'd post those and write later :)  Ya'll just want to see him anyway :-)  Enjoy!!  Hope you don't cry as much as I did LOL.

xoxo
~Jess

Today is the Day!!!

I haven't written in SO long!!!!!  Since the day they picked us for Raiden!!  There have been SO many days where I've said "I should really blog about this....these feelings HAVE to be put on paper", especially since I said I was going to blog because I didn't want people going through this journey thinking they're feelings were NOT completely normal.  I'll probably go back and write stuff down later for that.  But TODAY......TOOOOOODAAAAAAAAAY is the day we have been working towards, praying for, BEGGING for.....for nearly 5 years.  Today....in 1 hour and 25 minutes....we meet our SON!!!

We got on the plane last night in panic because were decided at the very last minute to fly out to Houston last night instead of today.  Rush home from work, call Nana to pick up the dog, Jeff and Danielle to feed the cats, throw who knows what into our suitcases, pray I didn't forget my contacts (and underwear), get on the road, pray we locked the house, pray for no traffic.....TRY to relax once we get on the plane......Craziest 6 hours of my life LOL.  We had the BEST flight crew!!  We carried on Kristi's fantastic puzzle piece tradition and decided to bring some along to have people HERE sign them.  Our gate agent in PHX signed one, the lady at the hotel desk last night signed one....our crew signed our tickets.  It is going to be SUCH an awesome addition to his shadow box.  But as we landed in Houston, our flight attendant made an announcement about a "special couple in row 12 that are coming to Houston to meet their adoptive son for the first time" and then the entire plane applauded and congratulated us.  It was TRULY such a blessing, we were so touched!! 


And then....this morning.  Slept in, thankfully, went back to the airport to get our rental car, checked into our new hotel....and got a call from Raiden's foster mom.  They would like to meet at 4, not 7.  HOLY CRAP that was only 4 hours away!!!!!  Now, as I'm typing this, it's 1 hour, 18 minutes.  What goes through your mind when you're a little over one hour away from meeting your child?  Let's be real guys: this is a moment that, if you read even 2 or 3 entries back, we never thought would get here.  We've had faith this whole time, don't get me wrong, but there have been times when we said "maybe God's plan is for us to NOT have kids."  Those moments didn't last long, but they were there.  This is the moment, the day, that I have been praying for, wishing for, flat out demanding...for at LEAST 25 years.  From the time I was little, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up....and while my "profession" dreams changed, I ALWAYS said "I want to be a mom!".  There were SO many days, especially going through fertility, that I seriously questioned if that would ever happen for me...for us.  I've tried so very hard to make sure that through the last few weeks that I've felt every emotion that has come my way.....this is what I wanted and I don't want to forget a moment of it.  Now, going into the next few hours, I have to admit, I'm a little overwhelmed by the amount of emotions going through me.  It is NOT lost on me that this was God's promise....and it has been fulfilled.

Join with me in the next few hours, and pray for Raiden, that he feels the excitement that this moment deserves, but MOST of all, that he feels God's arms of peace, knowing that this wasn't just the plan for US, but for HIM.  My personal prayer is that he's feeling peace, and that he isn't concerned about the feelings of loving us, or loving his mom, or where his sense of loyalty should be.  My prayer is that he can come to a place in his sweet 7 year old heart, where he knows that it is truly ok to still love his mom but to love and trust his NEW dad and mom as well.  This entire group of people that are waiting for him.....it is so truly amazing how many this journey has affected, how much HE has affected people and he may not ever have any idea.  I know I will try, as my mom tried with me for my entire life, to show him just how much of a miracle I think he is. 

And now....off to go get ready....we leave in 20 minutes LOL. 
Thanks for coming w/ us on this ride, friends.  Our love and prayers for all are unceasing, as yours have been for us.  Hold on to those promises, whatever they are....this day is amazing proof of God's amazing grace!!

Blessings!!
~J

Not Flesh of My Flesh....But Still MIRACULOUSLY My Own

***So as a side note, I started this last week, but time FLEW by and I just couldn't find time near a computer w/ a keyboard larger than my phone to type, so that's why this is SO late of an update, I'm so sorry!!!***

I think I've held off writing because I can't think of a title worthy of this moment :-)  And most of you know what's going on anyway, but now I will tell the story :)

WE'RE PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is truly a miracle and gift from God and we cannot be MORE thrilled.  We knew, and every one told us, that God had a plan and a perfect child for us, and that in His time and yada yada yada (I believe I covered how that made us feel sometimes LOL).  I can honestly say...This feeling has made all the previous entries of sorrow and heartbreak COMPLETELY worth it.  The joy we feel, not only because we have been made parents (FINALLY), is made even MORE joyful knowing that we trusted God, even when it was hard.  These are the plans He had for us, the longing fulfilled, our future hope (Jer 29:11, Prov 13:12, Prov 23:18).  And they're beautiful.  And even now, after we've had a few days to process...I have tears thinking of the amazing journey He has brought us through, walked us through, DRAGGED us through...and the promise of a son, my son, OUR son.  Yet again, I find myself truly wishing I could describe more accurately the feelings in my heart because they are just UNdescribable.

So now for the details!!  Tuesday at 9 Hydee had a match meeting scheduled with 3 other families and the case workers in Texas.  I'll admit, 3 other families were daunting, as we couldn't get picked when there was only 1 other family.  So though Chris and I woke up that morning thinking about it, we really didn't THINK about it.  We were firmly prepared to hear "I'm sorry, they picked another family" so we went about our day...I'll admit that it was 9:30 before I even looked at the clock and realized what was going on.  I left work at 9:30 to go volunteer, as I do every other Tuesday.  Figured it was a great way to hear a no...I'm w/ veterans, horses, other people...and I was near Chris' work to drop by and tell him the "bad" news.  Which I think, honestly, wasn't even going to be "bad" news because we both expected it.  So I get up to North Phoenix about 10:30 and about 10:35 (ok, not about, that call is now permanently a picture on my phone LOL) my phone goes off and my heart stopped.  I snuck behind a tree (since we're not supposed to be on our phones) expecting a quick "ok thanks, we'll keep trying".  Hydee made a minute or so of small talk, I joked that we needed to stop scheduling meetings on Tuesdays because this was the 3rd one in a row where I've had to sneak behind this particular tree to take a call from her LOL.

H:  "Well, I have some good news for you."
J:  "I'm sorry, what?"
H:  "You guys were picked for Raiden!!"
J:  "I'm sorry, what?!  Wait, WHAT?!"
H:  "Ya, you guys were picked, he's yours!!"
J:  "He's what?"
H:  "He's yours!  Do you have time to hear about him?"

Do I have time to hear about him?  LOL.  Yup, I've got all the time you need, just let me clear my head first because I'm pretty sure she just said we were picked!!  (Omgosh, even now, again, I'm fighting tears replaying this conversation in my head!!)  WE HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!  He's 7 and he currently lives in Texas.  Now, the bummer is that Texas, as a state, is behind in the file process, so it'll take most likely 3-4 months for them to redact his file and get it to us.  Until we get the file and give our "official" yes, then we can't talk to him, see him, get any more information, etc.  (GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!)  After we get that file, we can start setting up our trip to Texas to go meet him!!!  Then he'll come here a couple weeks after that, then go back to Texas (GRRRRRRRRR), then come here again and finally stay HOME!!!  So we're probably looking July/August-ish, worst case scenario.  That IS good for him though, so he most likely will be able to come here and start the school year, and not transfer in the middle.  And it gives us a few months to get the house ready.  But otherwise, I want him NOW! :-)

Ok, so after the phone call, I attempted to process it while serving some lunch to some vets.  I kind of failed on the NOT being preoccupied part LOL.  A few of the ladies who were there figured something was going on, and they knew we were trying to adopt, so they very quickly shoo'd me on my way so I could go tell Chris.  Now, I'd been thinking for years of trying to get pregnant and adopt, of how I wanted to tell Chris he'd be a dad.  There is NO place (thanks to Tracey calling around) in the west valley that makes t-shirts last minute.  And I'd found the perfect ones online, but hadn't ordered them yet because that's how sure I was that I wouldn't need them this day.  So, since every time Chris here's Raiden's name he says "Raiden Wins!" (just go w/ it, it's from a video game I guess, Mortal Combat), I decided, well, I'll get him Mortal Combat!  So I went, very awkwardly into Game Stop and said "I need Mortal Combat" to which the brilliant kid behind the counter said "YOU need Mortal Combat, doesn't look like your type of game."  Does no one buy gifts?  LOL.  I said "you have no idea LOL".  So I got my game, stopped by the store for a card (FYI, they don't make cards for "Congrats, you got picked for a kid"...just in case you're looking some day LOL), and headed to Chris' work.  Now remember the last time I showed up at his work, I crushed him by telling him we HADN'T been picked for the girls that we really honestly thought we were getting.  So I walked in the office and Chris and his coworker were talking.  (He said his heart kind of stopped when he saw me, he couldn't tell by my face.)  His coworker just kept talking and talking (Grrrrrrrrrrrrr), but finally stepped away for a moment.  Chris and I sat down and I handed him the game and the card (card on top).  He said later, when he saw it, he assumed it was a "Hang in there, I love you no matter what" card and a video game to keep him busy.  But he moved the card to the side and saw the game was Mortal Combat...he looked up at me and by that point I couldn't help it, I had tears running down my face.  "Are you serious?  We got picked?" he said.  All I could do was nod.  BEST.  MOMENT.  EVER.  Now our crying and hugging was slightly interrupted when his coworker yelled "aw get a room you guys" and then shoved a clown carving in my face....then he finally realized (too late if you ask me) what was going on.  Despite all of that, what an AMAZING feeling, I can't begin to explain!!!

We left Chris' work immediately and went home, preparing ourselves for the drive we had ahead of us.  From the beginning of our "let's get pregnant" journey, we said we wanted to tell our families in person.  So off we set!  First stop in our journey around the Valley was Scottsdale to Chris' mom, Missy.  Several years ago we had gotten her a charm bracelet w/ the intent of adding a "Grandma" charm some day...and we'd been holding on to this one for awhile.  So Chris, the ever devious (rolling my eyes) person he is, called his mom when we pulled up front and said we had some insurance paperwork for her...on a Tuesday...in the middle of a work day LOL.  He even went so far as to carry a random piece of paper when we walked up the sidewalk!  As we got to her, he put the charm in her hand.  It took a couple moments for it to all sink in, and then we were all crying again!  AMAZING feeling, watching this man FINALLY be able to tell his mom the news he'd been wanting to tell her for YEARS!  And SO awesome to see her reaction of pure love for her son, that he finally get's to be a dad!!  Raiden isn't just the missing piece for us, he's the missing piece for a LOT of people!!  It's hard to cut a visit short when you just want to celebrate and plan right then and there, but we had to head down to Casa Grande to my parent's house, so we left, with plans to see her later when we got to Nana's house to tell her.

So when my parents brought me home, and we went to our first race, a friend of theirs made them shirts.  My mom's said "JJ's Mom".  My dad's said "JJ's Dad".  Mine said "JJ".  So I thought it would be SUPER fun to get my dad a shirt that said "Raiden's Grandpa".  Now you remember that I couldn't find a tshirt place to save my life in the west valley, but Arizona Mills, thankfully, had one, so we went and got THE BEST shirt EVER.  Cost half of my remaining good lung, but whatever LOL.  TOTALLY worth it!!!

We found my mom a little figurine of a woman rocking a small child covered in a quilt...one thing I always remember about my mom is the picture of her rocking me and Mandy when we were really little, so that was immediately the choice for her!  **Hmmmm, though now I look at it, that's not a rocking chair.  Hmmmmm, well crap LOL.  I've always had THIS picture in my head when I think about rocking chairs LOL...well, anyway LOL**

After rejoicing w/ my parents (I think my dad was in shock LOL), we headed back up towards our side of town to tell Chris' gramma and aunt and cousins.  We TRIED to be sneaky, and have Missy tell them we were coming over for cake since it was Jill's birthday, but unfortunately, because a couple people weren't feeling good, some people decided to stay away...which led to some very fun and very emotional phone calls :-).  I think, honestly, the most fun I had all day, was watching Chris tell his family.  "We got picked" he'd say to whoever as the emotion just overtook him.  My husband is not one to wear his emotions on his sleeve.  If you have the privilege to know him, you KNOW he cares and you know he'll do anything for any body.  But he's a "nice" guy because he'll never say no and you'll never hear him complain.  I was a little unsure of how he would react to this day...I KNEW he would be ecstatic when it was just us, but I was hoping and praying that, because it happened so fast, he'd truly feel the emotions that went along w/ that amazing phone call.  This has been one of THE best weeks, not just because we now have a son (AHHHHHHHHHHHH, it's not old even after a week of sinking in LOL), but because I have truly seen the love and excitement on Chris' face.  His tears of joy, his tears and sighs of relief that we finally DID IT!!!!!!!!!!  The pride on his face when he looks at me and says "Baby, you're a mom!!  I'm a Dad!!!"  Brings me to tears even thinking of it now.  

I'll end here.  There's SO much more to share, but I need to get this one published, finally LOL.  This journey could have been easier.  It could have been less painful.  And while there are times we wish it were both of those, we talked all the way across the Valley last week, and in the days past, and realized...we wouldn't really change it.  Sure if we could have had kids the last few years, then that would have been amazing...but what we have gained from this...it's not to be found anywhere else, than when you've been brought to your knees, as a person, as a couple.....and laid your marriage, your dreams, your life...down for God and said "your will."  No matter how mad we've been, how hurt, how uncertain...THIS feeling, the one that's swelling in my heart at this moment...THIS is what this lesson was for.  THIS is what this journey was for.  And Raiden is OUR son...just like Mandy and I were made for the Trembly family, just like kids we know of dear friends...we didn't come into this world by THEIR hands....but we sure came into it through their hearts...and Raiden was MEANT for the Brooks family, for our family.  He's our missing piece, our dream come true, our sleepless nights, our shed and unshed tears, our prayers of anguish and of hope...He's our journey of faith and WHAT an amazing earthly outcome.  We can't WAIT to share him with you all!!!!  THANK YOU for your prayers, for you love, for your endless support of this journey into adoption...of "building our family in faith".  We sincerely couldn't have (and won't) do it without you.  There will be lots to share in the next several months until we get to meet him, but this is the entry I've been dreaming about...

Adoption Creed (said from memory, because I would read it every night on my wall before bed as a kid):

Not flesh of my flesh

Nor bone of my bone

But still miraculously my own

I'll never forget for a single minute

You didn't grow under my heart

But in it

Blessings all!!!

~~J~~

A Sprinkle of Hope

Ok so I KNEW there was more I wanted to say (there always is LOL), and this song has been playing in my heart and in my head (songs are basically my life blood and I can find a way to relate ANY song to how I'm feeling...just FYI :-) ).  I'm posting 2 videos, 1 is the song, the other is the artists talking about the song, a husband and wife...and I have to tell you, I've listened to this song a MILLION times, but never clicked the "making of" link.  Powerful!!  Watch them both if you have time...the "making of" is only about 2 minutes.  "It's such a different feeling to KNOW it in your head, but FEEL it in your heart."

Love & the Outcome:  He is With Us

So I think I mentioned it in the blog about the girls from last week (2 weeks?), that we were just MAD.  We still have our faith, but we were (and sometimes still are) MAD at God and MAD at this process.  We have prayed, So fervently, more so than I have ever prayed in my LIFE!  Not because I want it more, but because I BELIEVE it more.  I trust my faith and I trust my husband, our marriage, our families and friends...I just BELIEVE that this is right and so with that, I feel, that "Ok God, I'm giving you ME, so now give me what I want."  Seems like a fair trade lol.  When we got the "no" about the girls, we were crushed.  Our spirit was crushed, our hopes were crushed, our fighting spirit, for a moment of time, was crushed.  We made a choice to trust God, to KEEP trusting him, to KEEP trusting that we're doing what we're supposed to be doing...but we were still mad.  So we skipped church (it was the Super Bowl after all too...the SEAHAWKS Super Bowl at that!).  We admittedly skipped church, not for football, but because we were mad.  So this week, on Saturday, even though parts of us are still mad, I looked at Chris and said "we're going tomorrow".  Best. Decision. EVER!!  

Yesterday's message was titled "Live Like Your Prayers Will Actually Work".  Talk about what we needed to hear!!  You can click here to go to the iTunes podcasts...it's worth a listen!!  Anyway.  Some of the verses mentioned REALLY stood out to me and rejuvenated me and I want to share them with you, so maybe whatever YOU'RE praying for, you'll be able to pray like they'll actually work :-)

Isaiah 40:31

New International Version (NIV)

31 but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

This one's tough, not gonna lie:

Psalm 27:14

New International Version (NIV)

14 Wait for the Lord;
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord.

Hebrews 6:12

New International Version (NIV)

12 We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patienceinherit what has been promised.

The Psalm 27 one really stuck out to me since I heard it...so i'm being strong and taking heart and (for now LOL) waiting on the Lord :-)  

Blessings dear friends!!

~~J~~

Sometimes It's The Small Things

So I feel like I write only when there's news or a big emotional break down or....ya basically just those.  So I wanted to write this morning w/ some happy stuff, and some blessings.

Well, to start off I guess, this past Wednesday, we had a conference call on J, the girl that is basically ours.  And I say "IS" only because I don't think Hydee has gotten email yet that I sent this morning saying "Thank you, but we can't."  I DID say this was going to be a happy entry, and it is, just wait for it!  LOL.  I REALLY wish I could share details so you all truly know what's behind all our though processes.  To an outsider, it may seem "she moans and complains she's not a mom, but now they said she is and she said "no thanks"".  Trust me, that thought has crossed our minds.....MANY, many times.  But when we started on this path, we trusted that God had the right child or children for US.  That regardless of how WE felt, we would trust the signs that we prayed so diligently for.

So I'll admit, for humor's sake, as one of my best girl friends, Kendall, and I jogged the park one morning, I was like "I don't know how I'm going to know!", and bless her heart as she listened to my crazy back and forth for over an HOUR!  I said, well, I just need a sign.  Now, I know signs happen.  I know signs happened in the Bible, I know people who they have happened TOO...I am not one of those people.  When I went to a retreat in November, one of the girls was talking about how she asked God for a sign said "God, if I'm supposed to do 'blank' then let me see an eagle (I think it was an eagle)."  And on her run that day, she did!!  So I was like, ok...if I really want J or I really want T, and technically we've been picked for both, then how am I supposed to know which is the one I'm supposed to say yes to?  So Kendall, in her ever knowing humorous wisdom says "Well it's not like you can say "show me a whale" when we're in the desert...because w/ YOUR luck, Jessica, we're turning that corner and there will be whale bones!!"  And w/ my luck there probably would be...and then I'd have to decipher well, I said a whale, so since the whale is dead does that mean no?  (Seriously, this is where you go for entertainment these days, right?  LOL).  So THAT whole thing blew up into, "Ok, well, if you're supposed to take J then you'll see a whale, and if you're supposed to take T then you'll see a dolphin."  Half an hour later we're getting our nails done w/ Ashley and she starts telling us all about the whale watching trip she and her husband went on that weekend.  And they say dolphins AND whales.  Kendall looked at me and we just couldn't contain ourselves and I said "I'm buying that dang Groupon!!"  For the sake of my faith, I have to say (and I am NO Biblical scholar by ANY preschool stretch of the imagination) that I don't think it's considered a sign if you go look for it.  But it DID provide much needed comical relief knowing that 2 of my friends understood my delicate mental state, and let me be just a LITTLE crazy...because if I was on the outside looking in, I'd think bi-polar was the least of my problems LOL.

Anyway.  There was no whale, or dolphin, or whatever I said I was looking for for J.  We had the conference call on J and oh my GOSH if I did not just want to bring that girl home and give her the chance.  I see SO much of my 12-14 year old self in her (so if you know me, you understand where she's at).  Now I'm not comparing...her life has been my hard times a gazillion.  But what if I didn't have the support that my mom and dad gave me at that age?  What if my mom and dad didn't have the support of their friends and family like THEY had when I was that age?  To encourage them through the hell of not knowing day to day what it was going to be.  Maybe WE are THAT mom and dad that is here to make that difference, to give her THAT chance...and so, even as I write this, I question..."Did we make the right choice?"  As confused as I am, as WE are, we did.  We made the right choice for her.  And it was AGONIZING to write that email to Hydee and say "I'm sorry, this is not for us."  And I pray that the part about her touching our lives and us continuously praying for her will get through and they'll believe we're serious.  I guess even if they don't, I know we'll never stop praying for that precious child, whether she was ours or not.  PLEASE keep her in your prayers, that they find the RIGHT family for her and that that family is BEYOND equipped to give her every chance and love in the world.

Yikes, ok.  Happy, I promised Happy :).  So our life doesn't JUST revolve around adoption (ok it totally does, but we manage to find ourselves in the midst of it!!).  I got hit w/ bronchitis and walking pneumonia on Wednesday (was a great day, I'm telling you) so I worked from home Thursday and Friday and basically did nothing productive.  Saturday I HAD to get out of the house, I was going nuts.  So Chris and I got up, went to get some breakfast, then decided to go look at some houses, because, you know, we're adopting LOL.  Chris, bless his heart, LOVES to house shop.  I don't, because I know I am blessed to have my house, but I don't love my house and if you give me 20 seconds, 10 even, I could tell you 20 things I don't like about it.  So, instead of looking at houses I like MORE, I choose not to go look!!  But now, the reality is, we're in a house that was NOT built for a family of 3 or 4 very active people.  And the schools in our area are probably the biggest hurdle, so we've got to get out and find a house more suitable to active living, and schools more suitable to a positive atmosphere for our children.  Basically, we looked at one open house then Chris got us turned around up on the 303 and who KNOWS where we were LOL, but can I please tell you at some point, as we were driving in the middle of nowhere, we just looked at each other and said "what a GREAT day!!"  I think I've said this before, but I wish you could be in my head during these moments, because I don't think I portray it correctly.  If you had the opportunity to know me back in the day, you know that, although I have always been able to put on a good face, I could also be completely consumed by the negatives in my life and the doubt of my emotions could easily encompass me.  How GREAT is my God that in a time that would have seriously eaten my spirit and my faith alive, I can be driving in the middle of nowhere w/ my husband and be at complete peace?!  In full disclosure, the whole time we were talking about adoption LOL.  But still!!!

Alright, well, I've been trying to write this one and get it published since 8 am, so I'm going to end here.  There's more, but it's driving me nuts just sitting here :-)  Love to all of you and thank you SO much (again) for taking this ride with us!!!

Blessings!!
~~J~~

I pray I can live MY life with Abandon
Newsboys:  Live With Abandon

Worst Weekend...EVER

First off, THANK YOU all for your continued prayers and loving thoughts through out this process.  Every time we feel like "how the heck do we keep going?" we are reminded just how many people are praying for us endlessly, and please know...we feel it!!

So...good and bad news.  Good news:  K & M have a wonderful new home!!!  Bad news: it's not w/ us.  I have to tell you, if you read about the day we found out about T and then the day AFTER we found out about T, you know I was emotional that day...but that was not even CLOSE to how we felt Friday and this weekend!  Hydee called me about 10:30 Friday morning (I nearly threw up when I saw the caller ID) and said "they did decide to go with the other family".  You'd never think those words could cut as deep as they did...this felt like it was IT, it REALLY did!!  I woke up Friday morning and for a second, pictured the girls in their room...for some reason I pictured yelling upstairs to them for dinner (don't know why it was 3am)...As much as we tried to tell ourselves "it's possible they might not choose us", I have to say, I really don't think we believed that!  My parents, Chris' family, the few friends of ours that really knew all the details....man we ALL thought that this was IT!

I drove up to Chris' work to tell him...didn't feel like something to say over the phone.  Then we went home, and decided to spend some time w/ my folks that night, just get out of the house.  It's funny how much we BOTH pictured the girls there because neither one of us wanted to be there!  I'll be honest I'm still kind of numb and in shock so I'm not real sure what I'm feeling.

I came in planning to write some crazy long update today about how I felt all weekend and instead, I get an email first thing from Hydee about another kid...it's just SO bizarre that we have to forget about the girls and move on to the next one, giving that child and those children the same chance and time and care and concern and thought we gave 2 that we truly thought were ours!  But I can say, I'm thanking God for clearing my mind and letting me think, because all though I am still COMPLETELY overwhelmed, I honestly feel like I'm ready to look at the next one, whoever that may be.

So lots of prayers, please, that K & M LOVE their new family.  That mom and dad can welcome them w/ open arms and love them like their own, like they deserved to be loved!  That their new brothers and/or sisters will welcome them into THEIR home and make them feel at home and that the transition would be as easy and seamless as possible.  And pray for us, still, that that right kid or kids would find their way into our email boxes and hearts, that the right choices would be made and that we would KNOW without a DOUBT that that child or those children are indeed the Brooks kids that God planned for us.

So, as per usual lately, I'll leave you w/ a song that played the moment I turned my car on to go drive up to Chris' office on Friday (after I cried my eyes out on the phone w/ my mom LOL).  God is good, isn't he?!

Blessings everyone!!

~~J~~

Worn:  Tenth Avenue North:

Longest Night EVER!!

Ok...well.....good news is they didn't say NO right away like the did w/ T back in November.  BAD news is they decided to think about it over night (which we fear will turn into the weekend).  Good news is that Hydee thinks that it is strongly between us and one other family and that it will come down to if they want to place the girls with a family who doesn't have kids or who already has kids.  I think I'd rather they just say "no" right off, seriously, I slept about an hour...maybe 2.

So like the night we found out about T, we decided Macayo's could fix us again, so we went and talked and then walked around Target...kind of lost in a zone.  Scared to be excited, scared to NOT get excited, only to find out they were ours.  I seriously feel like every case worker should go through this adoption "wait" so they know what they're doing to us by making us wait....this is ridiculous!!!

So last night, we prayed for peace, for us, for the case workers making the decision...we prayed that K & M would find love wherever they went...we prayed that God would do HIS will, but we MAY or may not have mentioned that we are SO ready for it to be us....and I DREAMED about them!  UGH!!!  Lord, give me the strength to get through this day until that phone rings.....and the strength to not throw it against the wall when it does LOL.  I've never wanted a day to come and NOT wanted a day to come so much in my life!!!

All our love and thanks for all the prayers!

~~J~~

When Can We Get Off This Ride???????

Hello, dearest friends and family!!  I'm SO sorry I haven't written in so long!!  One would think that that means nothing has been happening...and for once I wish that were the case!  We have had MUCH activity the last 2 weeks...so much, that we have been SO overwhelmed and emotionally spent that, though I wanted to write, I had NO idea WHAT to write.  For the first time in this journey, Chris and I have been on different sides, and can I say that, although I think that is normal, it's hell.  You want to agree and you want this to just be a HAPPY time, but I can tell you from experience now, it's not going to be happy until we have kids in our home and dear GOD this has by FAR been the biggest test of our faith.  I'm proud that I don't have to say "the biggest test of our marriage" like, unfortunately, I think a lot of people would if they weren't walking through this with God.  I've had many musings about that the past several months, and even more the last couple weeks, but I"ll touch on that later.

So to start, WE'VE BEEN PICKED!!  I'm sure, if you've been on this journey with us long enough, or have even just joined us and have gone back to read, you're going through the same "what, WHAT?!" emotions and thoughts we were when we received the following email...out of the blue!!

You may be wondering why we haven't shouted this from the rooftops yet...WE'RE PARENTS!!!!!  So let me tell you how this day happened (since I promised to be honest and all lol).  So in the morning of January 22nd, we got that email.  We inquired on J about a month ago and were asked for our home study, but then we didn't hear anything until this email.  The "normal" (I say normal, but I think that needs to be taken out of my vocabulary, because nothing about this process in NORMAL) process is to inquire, have a home study requested, send the home study, receive the redacted file, read the redacted file, say "yes we love them!", send it back, go to a match meeting, get picked, bring them home, live happily ever.....ok nm LOL.  But those are the "normal" steps.  In THIS instance, they skipped the "receive a redacted file", "read the redacted file", and "say yes we love them" parts.  Instead, they just picked us!  So we went through the "WTF?!" and "HOLY CRAP I'm gonna be a mom/dad!!!" emotions, which, after the "WTF" we did both say the latter.  Then it was the "wait, how did this happen, we know nothing about her?!".  So we frantically tried to get a hold of Hydee to see what was going on and get the file, as J's case worker wasn't going to send it until she got the signed confidentiality statement from Hydee (hence the lack of details here, sorry).  So I was going to go get nails done w/ Tracey to celebrate OUR impending parenthood and THEIR impending parenthood (long story)...but by the time I pulled into the salon, Chris had read "THE FILE"....and his voice changed from excitement of "I'm going to be a dad!!" to "we need to talk about this."  Now, unfortunately, for the sake of telling you WHY we're so confused, I can't tell you WHY we're so confused.  This process is extremely confidential and if I DO divulge information, it could jeopardize us getting these kids, so I definitely cannot do that.  But just know that I've never gone from such a high to such a low in a shorter amount of time!  And can I say, that Chris logged into AdoptUsKids and saw THIS!!

Seriously, ya'll, she's ours!!  But WE haven't said yes yet, because we didn't KNOW anything! More on this later.

And, as if that wasn't enough, the NEXT day we find out that one of the boys we've REALLY been interested in (I think I talked about him, his case worker asked for pictures of us to show him, which we kind of thought was odd since, again, we hadn't seen a file), basically picked us ALSO!!  She's talked to T about us, told him that we love sports and would support his dreams of playing ball.  He was devastated to learn that she would have to tell us about his bad behavior and said to her "Just tell them I'm a good kid, I can be defiant but I'm a good kid."  SERIOUSLY?!?!  Ugh, just writing it again makes me want to punch something.  Because then HIS file isn't great either.

When do you start looking at the circumstances and not the child?  When do you stop getting mad at the horrible system in place to protect these children and DON'T for so long, which then leads to 12 and 13 year old kids going through HELL for 10 years that makes them SO "messed up" (for pure lack of a better phrase) that it scares families who would give their limbs for a child?!  And how on EARTH are we potentially, literally possible parents of 2 children and we haven't jumped up and down for hours, crying and screaming and decorating rooms?!  Why are you all just now hearing about this, you might ask?  Because Chris and I are not seeing eye to eye and we're waiting on more files and info and conference calls, praying w/ everything we've got that one of these case workers will say SOMETHING that will flip the other one to our way of thinking on the specific child.  I WILL not lie to you guys when I say this has been, after all the hard weeks I've said we've had through this, the HARDEST week and a half of this process.  To FINALLY be given what we want in abundance...and not knowing which direction to go.  I literally, last night, collapsed on my knees by the side of the bed and just sobbed and prayed and prayed and sobbed.  WHY did God give me a heart for these kids if we're not meant to have them?  WHY have these precious, precious children had to endure SO much?  Is being "picked" the sign from God that this is our child?  Or is Chris' hesitation, or my hesitation, the sign from God that that is NOT the child for us?  Are my feelings of "that can be our kid, we can DO this!" the sign that we take a leap of faith?  Or is Chris' "I don't know, let's think about this" the sign that God is telling him to pump the brakes?  Chris' gramma always says she loves that we respect each other, and I have to say, thank GOD we do because I'm tellin ya'll, this could get nasty if we didn't.  But in the end, it's US, it's me and him....God gave me the man FOR me, as I've said before, and I'm so grateful that we can talk openly about how we feel through this process.  It DOESN'T mean that we don't disagree and get our feelings hurt...it just means that in the end, we're still in this together and THAT'S what matters.

So here's the timeline of what's coming up:
    Today: match meeting for sisters local here in state (oh wait, I haven't mentioned that?!  LOL.)
    Wednesday, Feb 5: conf call w/ J's case worker and others to discuss her file
    Some other time: we'll get more info on T eventually

So the story on the sisters here locally?  We were approached about them the beginning of January and invited to a match meeting, but hadn't heard anything about them.  We finally found they were narrowing down their pile of families to about 4 or 5 before the meeting.  Initially, on Monday, we were told we were not picked to be one of the families represented, but that we were the "alternate" for lack of a better word.  Then, on Tuesday, Hydee called me and said "I just got off the phone w/ the case worker in (blank) and they've decided they want to include you guys, they want a younger, active family for these girls."  She told him she wasn't going to put us through the match meeting if we weren't in serious contention since just the day before they HADN'T chosen us, but apparently we've got a great chance!  (Frankly until they tell me I'm getting kids I don't react to "great chances" anymore....just a way to get my heart crushed.)  So that happens from about 1-3 or 4 today.

You guys getting the roller coaster yet and why I want to get off?  I've never felt more sure of a path God has put me on and more confused as to why I'm on it...and more MAD why He picked this path for me.  (And honestly guys, I swear if someone says "God has a plan, it'll all work out" to me one more time....well, you've all been warned LOL.)  I know, WE know, that God has the PERFECT kids for us and I'm soooooo excited to meet them!!  But I'm getting quite mad at the process making me so callous and so bitter that I could potentially hear in 8 hours that I'm a mom to 2 beautiful girls....and right now, I just don't care.  I promised honesty....and there you have it.  Right now, I just don't care.

With THAT happy note lol, I know I'm sorry!!!  This song, literally, has played in the car every time I'm in it and is now my mantra:  Please enjoy and let it touch you where you need touching, just like it has me.  What an awesome God I serve that I can feel so incredibly lost and unsure, yet so secure....I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the weirdest feeling I've ever felt....and I'm bipolar ya'll!!!  LOL

Love and MANY blessings:
~~J~~

Never once, did we ever walk alone.

Never once, did you leave us on our own.

You are faithful, God you are faithful!

Update!

Can you believe we're halfway through January already??  There are days that I feel we just started our journey and then there are days where I'm in shock it's taken this long!  If this was a "normal" process, we'd be about 5 weeks until our due date....you think if I tell some of these case workers that I have 5 weeks left they'd hurry up and send us a kid?  LOL.  Actually I hadn't thought of the time frame until just now....I think I depressed myself...crap!

I've been meaning to write and update for the last week, especially the last day or two, so I'll apologize ahead of time I'm writing today instead of yesterday because, I'm not kidding when I say, today sucks and yesterday was GREAT!  LOL.  I wasn't lying when I said it changes day to day.  So here goes the updates (I'll keep the pity party to myself for now.)

This past week or 2 has been very eventful, which we kind of figured it would be after the first of the year.  (My completely biased feelings only on this next part.)  We knew it would taper off around the holidays....half the time we don't get responses so heaven knows we're not getting ANYTHING w/in a week or so of any national holiday!!  No kids were added to the sites, no emails were sent to our case worker (and if they were we sure didn't see them), no responses to our emails for follow up......so we decided, you know, fine, we'll enjoy our holidays and not think about it (YA RIGHT!!  But I already covered THAT sob story :-) )  So January hits and (not right away because, you know, the first is a holiday too) we start getting flooded w/ kids again.  "Brooks family is great, are they interested?"  "We're really interested in the Brooks family, can you send me their  home study?"  "The Brooks' family inquired on "so and so" can you send me pictures?"  Hurry hurry hurry and now.....NOTHING.  Except more paperwork.  How many times do I need to "describe the members of my household?"  (We're still 35 and 31, still employed, still have a dog and 2 cats.)  How many times do I need to answer "Have any children, through foster or adoption, have been added to your household since your home study was completed?"  NONE, damn it, that's why we're here!!!!!!!!!!!  "What experience do you have in medical/dental issues?"  None, still not a nurse (it's only been a week since you asked me that the last time.).  "What experiences do you have with disciplining a child?"  Please refer to the answer of the 2nd dumb question you asked me....NONE, I STILL HAVE NO CHILDREN!!!!!

I feel bad for Chris on days like this...I know he's just as frustrated as I am, but since I wear my emotions on my sleeve, the poor man (who seems to think God blessed him w/ an incredibly stable wife LOL) has to decide to duck and cover or just ignore me when days like this happen.  Ugh.  Love that God gave me this man, I think any other man would have left my crazy, emotional self by this point LOL.

(I did warn you that I'm not in the best frame of mind today, right?  LOL.  Just checking...and apologizing...again.  The irony of all this "happy" stuff is not lost on me lol.)

Ok, so you probably have caught my drift as to my frustration level for today.  But now to fill you in on what you REALLY read this for.  NO NEWS!!!  LOL.  We have had a lot of interest though, and I'll give you the run  down of a few things in play right now.

"T" (another one, not to be confused w/ the first one) is 12 and his case worker contacted Hydee for pictures of us to show him.  Interesting, because other than a request for our home study, we haven't heard any more about him.  This is a little out of the normal cycle of things, but Hydee said she hasn't worked with this state before, so we're just rolling with it.  He had a baseball bat in his picture, so we told her to really highlight our softball, sporty pictures and maybe he'll "pick" us LOL.

We also received a request for our home study from a case worker who, I think, found us in the state data base.  These girls are somewhat local and are 10 & 5....CUTE girls!!  "M" & "K".  We've been invited to a match meeting for them on the 30th of January.  We're a LITTLE hesitant because, again, since it's in state, it will cost us more money for all the meetings and follow ups, plus we haven't heard how many families are going to be in attendance at this meeting.  The information we've been given is pretty generic and "happy happy happy", so we're anxious to find out more about these girls, but haven't received (and it doesn't appear that we WILL) any more information at this time.  Plus, their case worker wants us to fill out that obnoxious paperwork that, if they bothered to really read our home study, answers all of their questions....and I'm kind of rebelling right now...I don't want to fill out any more paperwork.  I'm sure I'll get over myself and fill it out by the end of today...or tomorrow LOL.

So that's all the big leads for right now that I can think of...we'll see where we stand next week.  I hate how time has to pass so you don't seem TOO anxious or the case workers consider you obnoxious so they ignore you, but if you wait TOO long then you're not interested.  GRRRRRRRRR.  Ok, ranting done, sorry for the downer today :)  I (hopefully) promise that the next update will be WAY more exciting...if at the very least, more positive :)

Love you all, thanks for all the continued prayers!!

~~J~~

2014 is HERE!!

Happy 2014 to all of you!!!!  I'm sorry I haven't really written in the last month...I think normal excuses are Christmas craziness and holiday plans, but in reality, because of all that, it was a slow month, adoption-wise.  Nothing really to share...more inquiries, more "you're not what we're looking for"s, more silence and unreturned inquiries.  So really, it was a normal month I guess in this journey!! :-)  I'd be lying if I said that it was an easy holiday season.  There was a part of me, about 3 or 4 days before Christmas, that hit that point where I just wanted to throw in the towel.  HOW many holiday seasons have we gone through saying "THIS is our last Christmas without kids!!"  HOW many well wishes and "Merry Christmas"s have we gotten, along with a loving "next year you'll have little one's of your own to buy presents for!".  And before anyone get's offended if you said this to one of us....we KNOW where your hearts are, we KNOW you love us and have been praying for us and going on this journey with us.  But, in the spirit of transparency, there comes a point where you just want to stay in your room, with some hot cocoa and a book, buried under your covers, drowning out holiday tidings with tears.

As a Christian, and a family who centers our family on our faith, I'll admit these feelings feel very selfish to me, and the idea that I'm sad because I'm not buying presents for my own children make me feel ungrateful and that I'm really forgetting the true meaning of Christmas.  I assure you, I'm not.  I sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, I counted myself INSANELY blessed for the blessings I already have in my life, I woke up Christmas morning and thanked my God for sending HIS child to earth so that I could live eternally with mine.  The true spirit of Christmas is not lost on me, on us, I promise :-)  But let's face it...whether you believe in the Baby in the Manger version of Christmas, or the Santa Clause in the chimney version, or you just believe it's a happy time for family to come together and share memories...regardless of which you claim as yours, the holiday (or holidays in general) are centered around family get-togethers and memories.  We LOVE that we are a part of so many special memories that are being made.  But for any woman who LONGS to be a mom w/ every fiber of her being (or man to be a daddy) who's scared to say it, I'll say it: There's a part of you that crumples every time you watch a child's face light up and run to their mom and dad and say "Thanks mommy!!" for whatever cool toy they just got....because no child is running to you to tell you that.  There's a HUGE part of me that hopes when we find our "forever kids", that just hearing them say MOM will sound the way I imagine it sounds and make my heart feel the way I imagine it feeling!!

So I DID say I was thankful this year, and I must say that 2 little boys made me feel that warm fuzzy this year.  Chris and I are blessed to be surrounded by many children in our family...sometimes that's nice, sometimes that makes it hard, I'm not gonna lie.  But THIS Christmas, as we all sat on the floor opening presents with Nana, Mason, our cousin's little one, just climbed into my lap and gave me about 90 seconds of uninterrupted, unsolicited, completely unforced (meaning I didn't tickle him till he hugged me LOL), cuddles...and I'm pretty sure I could have cried...ok I'm lying, I had tears.  The next day, our godson, Gabriel, who's the same age as Mason (a very rowdy 3), and not known for slowing down long unless he's sick or it's midnight, brought his blanket and climbed up into my lap in the chair and just plunked his head down on my shoulder.  It is times like these that I put my hand on their head and look to the sky to say "thank you God" because I know it's His way of soothing my heart, of reminding me that regardless of the children we do or do not have, that my heart, and my life, are still full and overflowing with blessings.  It's moments like that, that when I get home and climb into bed and stop to think, make me think that regardless of what happens, we're ok.

I'll be honest, that I hesitate to write things like this.  I do NOT want any one to feel bad for us, or feel like I'm laying a guilt trip or that I hate being around friends and family with kids.  This blog is of our journey and of our feelings (no matter how up and down and down and up they may be).  I really hope that any one who reads this truly understands where my heart is (and if you do could you tell me cause sometimes I don't know LOL).  Every child in our lives, whether they're family, or friends, or in our Sunday School classes, are SO precious to us and we truly treasure our time w/ them!!

I am SO blessed to be a wife to this man, a daughter to a wonderful mom and dad (who fought just as hard to find me!!), a friend to all the wonderful friends in my life, a homeowner, an employee in a company I'm proud to work for, a member of the Body of Christ, a sports fanatic, a wannabe softball player, a runner (ok I should put "wannabe" before that too LOL), a business owner.....I am so blessed by SO many things.....and as we ring in 2014, I'm proud to embrace every one of those things.  And, God-willing, NEXT year when I write this list, it'll say MOM.  But if it doesn't, then that's ok, because God promises me the desires of my heart, and really, why should I be greedy when all I really prayed for up until a couple years ago, was the life I already have!!!  (As Chris puts on Pandora and some random song comes on "you can't take a shower in a parakeet cage, no you can't take a shower in a parakeet " twang twang twang....hahahaha...oh dear LOL)

So Merry Christmas (a little late, sorry) and HAPPY 2014!!!  I truly do pray that each and every one of you is blessed this year and THANK YOU for being a part of our journey!!

~~J~~